LAUGH LINES

Fire When Ready: Barbara Walters’ interview with Monica Lewinsky will air Wednesday. “And President Clinton said, ‘Ironically, we’ll be bombing Iraq that day.’ What are the odds?” (Jay Leno)

Inside the Beltway: The Senate is holding hearings on whether to kill the independent counsel law. “Republicans and Democrats seem to agree independent counsels don’t work. Well, at least Ken Starr was able to prove something with that $40 million.” (Daily Scoop)

Timber: Vice President Al Gore’s daughter is expecting a baby. “Or as Gore calls it, ‘our little sapling.’ ” (Jerry Perisho)

Computer Glitch: A government lawyer accused a Microsoft executive of making up evidence. “Microsoft lawyers responded that the manager technically wasn’t lying, it was just his testimony version 3.0.” (Mark Wheeler)

In the News: New York City police can now seize the cars of drivers arrested on drunk-driving charges. “Apparently a lot of New Yorkers don’t think it’s right that drunk drivers be allowed to speed through intersections, weave across lanes and endanger pedestrian lives. That’s a cab driver’s job.” (Steve Voldseth)

In the News II: “Because of the seizures, a new license-plate frame has become a hot seller. It says, ‘My other car is confiscated.’ ” (Paul Ecker)

Science, Schmience: Researchers say they have been able to slow down the speed of light. “Know how they do it? They take a beam of light, and they aim it through a post office.” (Jay Leno)

Game Time: Dennis Rodman will be playing for the Lakers. “It will be exciting to see Rodman in purple and gold . . . but enough about his hair.” (Wheeler)

Game Time II: Rodman says he wants another championship ring. “Apparently he has some extra room on his nose.” (Wheeler)

One More and We’ll Stop: At his news conference to announce his joining the Lakers, Rodman broke down in tears. “Was he crying? There’s no crying in basketball! There’s no crying in basketball!” (Alex Kaseberg)

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The Essential

David Letterman

Top 10 least popular Grammy categories:

10. Oldest Dirty Bastard.

9. Best Anything by Anyone Other Than Celine Dion.

8. Best CD to Use as a Coaster for a Can of Beer.

7. Best Use of the Word “Jiggy.”

5. Yoko of the Year.

3. Best New Artist Who Will Be Relegated to the Ash-Bin of Obscurity by August.

2. Best Performance by a Duo in the Windowless Corridor Next to the Oval Office.

1. Song Most Likely to Be Turned Into Muzak.

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