The Ed Zone

If it weren’t for a higher calling, I could play wide receiver for the Denver Broncos.

It can’t be that tough a job if Ed McCaffrey is starting for them in today’s playoff game against the Miami Dolphins.

You have John Elway and Dan Marino, obviously loaded with talent, and Neil Smith and Trace Armstrong, huge men with an appetite for mugging quarterbacks. You put McCaffrey out there with these guys, and it’s just George Plimpton with coordination.

Football is a game of size and speed, which should come as a surprise to McCaffrey. I have more meat on the bones than this 6-foot-5, 215-pound pencil neck, and since the line at the DMV moves faster than McCaffrey, I would guess I’m much swifter.

I already know my lines: “I just take one play at a time. . . . They made the plays and we didn’t. . . . We made the plays and they didn’t.” Or, when the questions get real tough: “I know this, we’ll show up.”

And when it comes to experience, it’s no contest--got more than 20 years on him catching grief at what I do, so what’s the big deal about catching a few Elway fastballs?

“That’s ridiculous to say that,” McCaffrey says. “Just ridiculous. . . . It’s a little different talking about it and doing it.”

Listen, defensive backs can’t be any tougher than editors--the trick is how to sidestep and beat them. I’m no Randy Moss, but we’re talking possession receiver here, five plodding steps forward, four plodding steps to the left, turn around and let the ball hit your belly, and who has the edge there?

McCaffrey has a master’s degree in organizational behavior, which allows him to line up properly on every play, but other than that, what makes him any different from you or me?

“I hear that all the time,” McCaffrey says. “I just laugh under my breath.”

This time, he has made an exception: He is laughing out loud.

“Every guy on this team thinks he could play in the NBA too,” he says. “If you threw me out into an NBA game I wouldn’t last for a second, and by the same token I don’t think Michael Jordan could cover me on a pass route either.”

A tortoise missing his hind legs could shadow McCaffrey, which explains why a security guard asked McCaffrey to get off the team bus a few years ago, telling him it was reserved for players.

But you know that’s what the playoffs are all about, getting to the Super Bowl, making a name for yourself and getting your picture on a mustard jar.

No lie. They sell mustard here at the local King Soopers market with McCaffrey’s picture on the label. If you’re talking mustard, you think hot-dog, you know, Shannon Sharpe. But you have your creamy Dijon and your spicy brown McCaffrey Rocky Mountain mustard right down the aisle from Paul Newman’s salad dressing.

“I like the spicy brown with a turkey sandwich,” McCaffrey says. “Creamy Dijon would go good in potato salad. We also have horseradish sauce. . . . “

Gag me with a . . .

“If all goes well, we’ll have a press conference next week for the cereal, which is already on sale,” he says. “Ed’s Endzone O’s. Like Honey-Nut Cheerios.”

Doesn’t quite have that “Breakfast of Champions” ring to it.

“I wanted Eddie’s O’s, but that name didn’t make the cut. It’s Ed’s Endzone O’s.”

It’s hard to picture Miami Coach Jimmy Johnson stomping on a box of Ed’s Endzone O’s and getting the same reaction he did a week ago after smashing a box of Flutie Flakes. Maybe after he tells his team who Ed is, it might be more effective.

“I dreamed of playing in the NFL, one day being on a Super Bowl team, but I never dreamed about having my picture on a jar of mustard or a box of cereal,” McCaffrey says. “I’m really flattered by the whole thing and I just feel very lucky to be a part of something that has been so successful.”

When it comes to talking about Ed McCaffrey, Ed McCaffrey is no Don King. You have to go elsewhere to detail McCaffrey mania.

Before Christmas, the manager at the Broncos Store told the local newspapers, “You can’t lay your hand on a McCaffrey,” making the wide receiver’s jersey sound like a Picasso.

But that’s what happens in Denver if you play for the Broncos and the Broncos are winning: You become Walter Mitty.

McCaffrey has done three McDonald’s commercials, taped a Super Bowl week appearance for “Wheel of Fortune,” has been on “Live with Regis & Kathy Lee,” and has been selected as the Broncos’ nominee for NFL “Man of the Year” for his work in the community.

“He’s the working-class hero,” says Jim Saccomano, senior director of media relations for the Broncos.

Or, as Sharpe used to crack at practice, “Run, Forrest, run.”

“He fits the persona of Forrest Gump,” Saccomano says. “He’s a guy with incredible values, works like a dog and is successful in whatever he touches. He just looks a little different than what everybody else would expect him to look like.”

McCaffrey is like a magnet for big hits, getting pulverized by defenses that treat him like some kind of fan who has run out onto the field. And then he pops up, the ball in his hands and everyone goes crazy--so crazy that he earned a trip to Hawaii this year for the Pro Bowl, looking just like you and me, the every-man football player who will probably have to talk his way into the AFC locker room.

“I like the image of being a tough football player,” says McCaffrey, who caught 64 passes for 1,053 yards and 10 touchdowns this season. “But I don’t like the image of getting hit all the time. Getting hit is not one of my favorite things to do.”

Four years ago, Dan Reeves floored him. Reeves, coach of the New York Giants at the time, told McCaffrey he was keeping Omar Douglas, Arthur Marshall, Thomas Lewis, Chris Calloway, Mike Sherrard and Mark Jackson and releasing him.

“I don’t think I’ve ever made a mistake that bad,” Reeves says now. “If a guy is that talented you ought to be able to see it.”

Steve Watson, the original Ed McCaffrey in a Bronco uniform, was almost overlooked by Reeves too, and set a team record that still stands with 1,244 yards receiving after Rick Upchurch went down with a knee injury in 1981.

“It’s the anomaly of being a white receiver who supposedly can’t run fast,” Watson says. “That’s what Eddie’s had to overcome too. But you look at Eddie, and he’s the total package. Not since the legendary Charlie Taylor has there been a receiver who passes out more punishment than this guy.”

Fortunately, he’s not fast enough to chase down those who suggest anyone could play his position.

“Eddie’s really touchy about things like that, especially if you’re saying you’re faster than he is,” Watson says.

After being released by the Giants, McCaffrey went to San Francisco, and for a smart guy that seemed pretty dumb, playing behind Jerry Rice and John Taylor. But besides winning a Super Bowl ring, he ran practice routes every day against a pair of Pro Bowl cornerbacks, Eric Davis and Deion Sanders.

And Mike Shanahan, the 49ers’ offensive coordinator, took note.

“There were a good number of days when he was beating them,” says Shanahan, who brought McCaffrey with him to Denver, and the rest, they would say, is mustard history.

OK, so maybe not everyone can play wide receiver for the Broncos. Maybe you have to impress Shanahan, and obviously a Stanford degree helps to cozy up to Elway, which makes it tough on anyone who went to Northern Illinois.

There’s also this thing he does with his uniform. He trims the lining in his football pants, and wears fewer pads for protection, reducing the weight he has to carry to make himself feel faster.

“I think if it were up to Ed,” defensive end Harald Hasselbach says, “he’d play naked.”

You have to be crazy to play this game, and you know where that leaves me.

To get live scores from today’s NFL playoff games on the Times’ Web site, go to: https://www.latimes.com/nfl

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Ed McCaffrey’s Statistics

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Year, Team Rec Yds Avg TD 1991, Giants 16 146 9.1 0 1992, Giants 49 610 12.4 5 1993, Giants 27 335 12.4 2 1994, 49ers 11 131 11.9 2 1995, Broncos 39 477 12.2 2 1996, Broncos 48 553 11.5 7 1997, Broncos 45 590 13.1 8 1998, Broncos 64 1,053 16.5 10

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