LAUGH LINES

The Real Father of Our Country: Star magazine reports that Bill Clinton fathered a child, now 13, with an Arkansas prostitute. “Or is that Starr magazine?” (Gary Easley)

Fair Play: According to the National Enquirer, Hillary Clinton attacked her husband. “Why should right-wing conspirators have all the fun?” (the Daily Scoop)

Stands to Reason: U.S. Sen. John McCain, who is running for president, admitted he committed adultery during his first marriage. “He obviously saw Bill Clinton’s approval rating and decided to start building his resume.” (Argus Hamilton)

That’s Spacey: NASA has launched the Mars Polar Lander, which will reach the planet in December. “Its mission is to look for traces of life. When it’s done with Mars, it’ll shift its attention to the GOP.” (Jerry Perisho)

Firing Shots: At a recent conference, Republicans took time out to spend an afternoon firing rifles and automatic weapons. “They were trying to learn how to stop shooting themselves in the foot.” (Tarja Black)

On the Stump: Al Gore filed papers to run for president. “Just think how far he’s come since 1996. He’s older, wiser and his trunk has grown by four more rings.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

On the Stump II: “For a running mate, Gore’s looking for someone who is more animated than himself . . . which narrows it down to any living human.” (Perisho)

Makes Cents: The U.S. Treasury has begun sending out new quarters. “This is truly a great day for video arcades.” (the Daily Scoop)

To Dye For: Chicagoans were digging out from the blizzard of ’99. “To their surprise, they actually dug up Dennis Rodman’s original hair color from 1989.” (Paul Ecker)

Motoring On: The VW Beetle was named car of the year. “Between the Beetle, Linda Tripp and the movies, you can say 1998 was the year of the bug.” (the Daily Scoop)

But Who’s Counting?: According to the Census Bureau, the U.S. population grew by 2.5 million people in 1998. “And, following the broadcast of the Rose Parade, 2.4 million of them will move to Los Angeles County.” (Perisho)

Holiday Hangover: “I am starting to regret getting a Furby. The furry little thing keeps coming on to my Chia pet.” (Alex Kaseberg)

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The Essential David Letterman

The top depressing thoughts your dog has:

8. “I’m 63 years old and my name is Waffles.”

5. “You’re serving me Cycle 5? Oh, just put me to sleep already.”

4. “How would he like it if I called myself Snoop Humany Human?”

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