So Much News Here to Report--and Most of It’s Canned

It was a news conference alert, the kind of siren call that sends the media into a feeding frenzy: Free Classic Chunky Chicken or Sirloin Burger--just what you would expect here at the Soup Bowl.

Reporters lined up five deep for “The Terrell Davis Campbell Soup’s Million Can Throw” (three from the Los Angeles Times who had better not include a Tuesday lunch on their expense reports) and there was great tension in the room.

Three days into Super Bowl XXXIII week, this was the biggest story to date: If the NFL’s most valuable player could throw a football through a giant hole standing seven yards away, a million cans of soup would be donated to food banks nationwide. If not, the disadvantaged would presumably starve.

Davis missed.

This was a problem. Press kits already had been distributed to the media, which read: “Atlanta Falcons beware, Denver might have another quarterback on its roster! Known for his ability to zig and zag through NFL defenses, Terrell Davis added passing to his resume today when he successfully completed the Campbell’s Million Can Throw.”

Someone must have thought the fix was in.

Terrell Davis, however, went crackers, mimicking Ryan Leaf and missing a hole the size of the Grand Canyon.

“Mr. Davis is giving no interviews,” said Ronnie Heyman, soup spokesman, and so everyone had to wait for the “Novartis Salutes Terrell Davis Migraine Foundation” news conference an hour later to get the full story.

It can be reported accurately that after “The Terrell Davis Campbell Soup’s Million Can Throw” news conference, most everyone was looking forward to the migraine gathering until Chris Tama, vice president, central nervous systems, for the pharmaceutical company, broke the bad news: No free samples.

“It’s regulated by the FDA,” he said, and with the exception of the suits working for the pharmaceutical company, Davis’ agent, a reporter from Soldier of Fortune who was looking for the “Habitat for Humanity” news conference, and some guy off the street who wanted to tell Davis all about his migraines, the room was just about empty.

“They told me I had three chances,” Davis said, explaining why the soup people had reacted so quickly in allowing him to keep throwing until he got the ball in the hole.

Who’s running this scam--the International Olympic Committee? “Mom, is that you?” (A soup joke.)

If you’re bribing the NFL with about $1 million just to be known as the NFL’s official soup, you probably don’t want your soup campaign to end on an incomplete pass.

So it can be said on his second attempt, which kind of took the thrill out of everything, Davis hit the target, prompting a shower of confetti, and mixed with chunky soup it’s really not that noticeable.

“We’d like to think that chunky soup played a big part in helping Terrell rush for over 2,000 yards,” said Sydney Rollock, soup company executive.

After the “Miller Lite NFL Player of the Year” news conference today featuring Davis, it will be interesting to see if someone says, “We’d like to think that beer played a big part in helping Terrell . . .”

Of course, the local Nike Town gets Davis first today for an appearance and book signing. So many endorsements, so little time.

“His endorsement earnings are in seven figures,” said Neil Schwartz, Davis’ agent, although both he and the soup executive declined to say how much bread Davis got for pushing the chunky stuff all year.

The soup company said it donated 3,000 cans of soup to food banks across the nation for every touchdown scored in the league this year with 192,000 cans being earned by the Minnesota Vikings and everyone in Philadelphia going hungry.

All together the soup company said it donated 5,738,000 cans. Not one mention of a can opener, though.

“I remember coming home from football practice and having my first migraine headache,” said Davis, delivering the heartwarming story before botching the million-can throw. “I didn’t really have an appetite with such a tremendous headache, and the only thing that I seemed to want was chicken soup, so my mom fixed me a bowl and I went to bed that night and woke up the next morning just fine.”

OK, so if the soup did the trick, why the plug for migraine medicine?

“Soup and tea were the only things I could keep down; that’s not a fake,” Davis said when grilled about his chunky claims. “Then I would get up and eat some vanilla ice cream.”

And in mid-press conference, his agent yelled out, “Breyers or Haagen-Dazs?” while pulling out his cellular telephone.

“Breyers,” Davis said, making it only 364 days now until the “Terrell Davis Breyers’ Million Scoop Toss.”

If his agent is really on the ball, that will be followed an hour later by the “Terrell Davis Lactose-Intolerant Medication” news conference.