Staying Awake Is Real Impossible Dream

Some people look forward to Christmas, others to summer vacation, maybe even their birthdays.

But there’s nothing like the Friday before a Super Bowl when, annually, one of the great comedians of our time delivers his monologue, followed by that tried-and-true Johnny Carson bit about taking questions from the audience.

Greg Aiello, NFL flack, but playing the part of Ed McMahon at this time of year, warms up the audience with the monotone announcement that it’s two minutes until the show begins.

Ed McMahon delivering millions from the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes would command attention, but Aiello barking, “Heeeere’s Tags” is a signal to start popping the No Doz.

NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue, who prefers to be called Tags, or Good Buddy or just plain Bud, begins as he always does: “As always, it is a treat to be here in [fill in the blank].”

Two thousand sportswriters write that down.

Like Dave, Jay and Johnny, who always say, “We have a great audience tonight,” Tags likes to kiss up to the locals, in this case planting Miami quarterback Dan Marino in the audience so he can act as if they go out every night together.

“I was just talking to Dan Marino,” says Tags, and the way Aiello tells it, the guy’s a notorious name dropper. “I just want to congratulate Dan and recognize him for what he has done in the league over the years.”

And that’s lose the only Super Bowl he has ever been in.

“We all know what he does on the field because we can all see that on TV,” says Tags, and that’s lose every big game he has ever played in.

It takes Tags only 1 minute 33 seconds to mention John Madden and Pat Summerall, so he beats the contracted two-minute deadline set by Fox to turn the spotlight on them in exchange for the more than $4 billion they have paid in TV rights.

It’s tough to do, because Tags is talking about John Elway and Dan Reeves, but he beats the deadline with this marvelous transition: “And I think with Pat and John and Dan Reeves and John Elway, what we see is that some of the great contributors have a lot of staying power, and we thank all four of them for what they have done in the game.”

Don’t know what the game would be without those Ace hardware commercials.

“Some people in the office think that I should get up here and talk for an hour about the state of the league,” says Tags, and those people should be identified. “If I did, most of you would be heading for the door.”

The screaming, the terror--it would look like the Titanic going down--so he adds very quickly, “so I am not going to do that.”

Instead he begins telling the 2,000 writers, who have been here every day this week, who the guys are playing in the Super Bowl, dropping Chris Chandler’s name, Shannon Sharpe’s, mentioning McCaffrey and Mathis by last name only, presumably because he can’t remember their first names.

“He has to be living the impossible dream,” Tags says, referring to Reeves, who didn’t realize until now that he was that close to death.

“This year we have the Falcons living the impossible dream,” Tags says, and everyone knows how dead they were.

“I spoke with Taylor [Smith, Falcons’ owner] last night,” says Tags, and Aiello is right, the guy likes to drop names. “And he is, like Dan, living the impossible dream.”

This is a breaking news story for Atlanta writers, who had no idea Taylor Smith had heart problems too.

Then it is time for questions, the first so silly, having something to do with the crazy notion it was a tough year for the refs.

Fortunately, Tags had all the facts: “I think officiating is as good as it has ever been.”

There are more ridiculous inquiries, but Tags is equal to the challenge. Someone wants to know if 49er owner Eddie DeBartolo Jr. is a known gambler, and Tags says, come on, everyone knows he was involved in extortion, not gambling.

Someone else says Super Bowl ticket prices are too high at $325 and $400, but Tags says, come on, the fans get far more ripped off than that: “The ticket is still the least expensive part of the weekend.”

One guy wants to know why no African American in the Super Bowl’s 33-year history has ever been named top ref, another wants to know why of the last 24 head-coaching vacancies, only one African American has gotten a job.

Tags is ready for this, playing the Colin Powell card, dropping his name and his philosophy, then asking, “Do we think we are making real progress? Yes.”

You got to give the guy credit: He’s versatile, both asking and answering the questions.

There are also inquiries about the Redskins, and Tags filibusters the guys from Washington just to make them feel at home.

Although he’s only half done, it is that time during Tags’ annual address when those with short attention spans start leaving. It’s usually 30 to 50 who can’t take such intense entertainment, and today one of the first to leave is the outgoing president of the Professional Football Writers of America, who could never leave early while in office.

Everyone else is looking at his watch.

Asked about the riots that took place during Super Bowl week in Miami a decade ago, Tags says, “In my second year, we had the Gulf War.”

Sources say he’s sore about not getting a medal.

“I think what we have tried to do with the Super Bowl is to learn from those experiences,” he says. “We try to keep the game in perspective. It is a phenomenal event in terms of public interest. We all know that.”

A riot or Gulf War doesn’t even compare.

“It is a phenomenal event for so many people associated with the league, employees of sponsors, employees of advertisers, that there becomes--it becomes a celebration and a party.”

What a crack-up!