LAUGH LINES

Do the Math: Congress may double the president’s salary to $400,000. “If a president can’t afford a wife’s Senate race, their daughter’s tuition, gifts for the intern and five defense lawyers, we’re never going to attract the best people to the job.” (Argus Hamilton)

To Go, Please: Burger King has opened the highest-elevation fast-food restaurant in the world in La Paz, Bolivia. “Would you like oxygen with that?” (Bob Mills)

The Retail Line: Home-furnishings giant Ikea plans to build a 300,000-square-foot store in Costa Mesa, but it won’t be open until 2001. “Because it takes two years to assemble.” (Stan Kaplan)

On the Big Screen: Calista Flockhart reportedly has a nude scene in “William Shakespeare’s a Midsummer Night’s Dream.” “That reminds me, I have to send a check to famine relief.” (Gary Easley)

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Bill Williams’ Essential

List of the Day

Signs we should have seen that China was stealing our secrets:

* The Los Alamos lab’s lunch room features brownies called Tiananmen Squares.

* Nuclear warheads painted with “No MSG” signs.

* Presidential portrait in employees’ lounge labeled “Chairman Clinton.”

* Desk calendars run March, April, Mao.

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