Fine Tuning TV’s Theme Song List

Do Not Adjust Your Set: Usually we try to keep this column on the lighter side, but sometimes it’s hard to ignore all the injustices in this world. For example, the editors of TV Guide just named “Happy Trails” as the best TV theme song ever.

This is an outrage. And so is much of their top 10 list, which includes, in order: “Hawaii Five-O” (should’ve been No. 1), “Peter Gunn,” “Secret Agent,” “Dr. Kildare,” “The Ballad of Jed Clampett” (from “The Beverly Hillbillies”), “77 Sunset Strip,” “Rawhide” (we prefer the Blues Brothers version), “Miami Vice” and “Welcome Back, Kotter.”

We can understand “Secret Agent” and “Peter Gunn”--and maybe “Beverly Hillbillies”--but where is “Gilligan’s Island,” whose lyrics are probably better known than those of the national anthem?

So we conducted a scientific poll--of the guy who sits next to us at work--and devised our own list.

After No. 1 “Hawaii Five-O,” we chose “Friends,” “The Monkees,” “Mission: Impossible,” “Green Acres” (by the same composer who did “The Addams Family”), “Secret Agent,” “Mary Tyler Moore,” “Love American Style,” “Perry Mason” and “Bonanza.” Runners-up were “The Virginian,” “MASH,” “Happy Days,” “WKRP,” “Cheers” and “Peter Gunn.”

Several people insisted we also include “The Rockford Files,” “X-Files,” “Hill Street Blues” and “The Jeffersons” (which one of their friends wanted to use as her wedding recessional), but we weren’t familiar with the tunes and they’re lousy hummers, so those songs didn’t make the list.

In terms of cultural impact, our top selections are “Gilligan’s Island,” “The Brady Bunch,” “Star Trek” and “Twilight Zone.” We skipped cartoons because otherwise this would go on forever.

Potty Like It’s 1999: Off-Kilter has been investigating the “youth crisis” that everyone is whining about, and what we found is unnerving. The problem isn’t in the classroom. It’s in the bathroom.

To put it bluntly, a day is coming when many high school students and adults could be running around wearing Depends because they never received proper toilet training.

We base this claim on a contest sponsored by the Charmin toilet paper company to find toddlers who have successfully finished the “potty training process.” On Tuesday, Charmin hosts a graduation ceremony for 20 of the winners--who will wear tiny mortarboards and march to the strains of “Pomp and Circumstance.”

Charmin thinks the event is “cute” because the diplomas say: “The professors of potty at Charmin University have conferred upon (blank) a PhD--potty honorary doctorate.” But we find it alarming. Upon examining the graduate list, we discovered that none of the winners was from the West Coast.

Needless to say, this could doom California’s economy. For example, would the NFL still be willing to bring a team to L.A. if it knew the costs included not just $225 million for new parking, but millions more to equip stadium restrooms with thousands of diaper-changing stations?

Of course, that’d be good news for Charmin’s parent company, Procter & Gamble. It also owns Pampers.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Restaurant Closed Down for Serving Pasta and Ears!” (Weekly World News)

Unpaid Informants: Wireless Flash News Service, Carolyn Kimball, Martin Miller. Off-Kilter’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.