Mothers Agree on Many Child Care Issues; Fathers See Things Differently

For years, the phrase “Mommy Wars” has defined the battle lines between mothers employed outside the home and mothers employed inside--each sharing a certain bleary-eyed exhaustion but divided along a stark demilitarized zone.

A new Times poll shows that the divide is somewhat exaggerated.

When it comes to responsibilities over children, child care decisions and communication with their children--among other issues--women in both camps hold markedly similar views. By contrast, men’s views are far afield.

Some differences among women persist, however, most of them firmly rooted in their own experiences.

Women who stay at home are more skeptical about the ability of working mothers to connect well with their children, indicating concerns that may have led them to stay home in the first place.

Women employed outside the home show far less worry about the ability of children to cope with their absence, which may have contributed to their decision to work--or buttressed their position once they had made that decision.

Overall, the conflicts among women appear to mirror society’s unease about how to rear its young, particularly as women’s traditional roles have fallen by the wayside.

“There is still much ambivalence and real confused feelings about the need for women to work--not just for the income,” said Vivian Weinstein, president of the Los Angeles City Commission on Children, Youth and Their Families.

“And yet we all sort of grew up where mom was available and at home and there was this glow of the community caring for kids--not just your mom but other moms too. There is still much conflict about that, and we haven’t found anything to replace it.”

Directed by Susan Pinkus, the Times Poll questioned 2,021 California adults, including 1,601 parents, from April 25 to May 1. The comparisons in this survey of working fathers, working mothers and stay-at-home mothers are of those with children 18 and younger. The margin of sampling error is 3.5 points in either direction.

The parallel views of women run throughout the survey. Queried on whether there should be mandatory child-rearing classes for new parents, 63% of working mothers and a virtually identical 64% of stay-at-home mothers said yes.

Working fathers, however, were split, with 46% in favor and 46% opposed. (There were not enough nonworking fathers in the poll to make a statistical comparison.)

Findings were similar when the respondents were asked if parents are doing a good job teaching their children values. Twenty-six percent of stay-at-home mothers and 24% of employed mothers said parents do a good or excellent job.

Working fathers were far less optimistic, with only 14% saying parents are doing a good or excellent job educating their children about values.

Another broad area of agreement among women is child care. Asked who makes child care decisions in their homes, 42% of working and stay-at-home mothers said both parents equally; 50% of working mothers and 52% of the home-based women said they alone were responsible.

Only 29% of working fathers acknowledged that their wives are responsible--suggesting that responsibility is in the eye of the beholder.

“If you speak to the fathers you get one story, and if you speak to the mothers you get another story,” Pinkus said. “Mothers may think of responsibility as one thing, and fathers may think of it as another.”

Women, whatever their work situation, also seem far more aware of the difficulties in finding high-quality and affordable child care. Thirty-eight percent of working women and 32% of women at home said it is “extremely” difficult, a perception shared by only 18% of working fathers.

Gender trumps lifestyle again when it comes to whether mothers face discrimination on the job. Almost six in 10 women--57% of each group--said mothers do face discrimination. Only 44% of working fathers see it the same way.

Striking as the similarities are among women, the differences are just as stark, reflecting each group’s vantage point. Often, stay-at-home mothers express views similar to working fathers’ perceptions, but sometimes all three groups differed.

Among stay-at-home mothers, concern over children is acute. Asked what suffers most in the effort to balance work and family, 49% of at-home mothers said children suffered, compared to just 24% of working mothers and 26% of working fathers.

When asked if working mothers can forge as warm a relationship with their children as home-based mothers, men and stay-at-home mothers are allied. Only 38% of those mothers and 37% of the fathers strongly agreed, while 59% of employed mothers felt strongly that it was doable.

On a separate question about whether working mothers are better parents, worse or the same as stay-at-home mothers--or if it depends on the person--working mothers were twice as likely to say they are better: 27%, as opposed to 13% of home-based mothers who agreed. Conversely, 21% of at-home mothers said working mothers were worse, while 14% of working mothers came to the same conclusion. Fathers are actually somewhat more negative about working mothers, with 25% saying they were worse.

Stay-at-home mothers and working fathers agree when asked whether children under age 4 are better off in day care or with their parents. Fifty-nine percent of home-based mothers, and 59% of working fathers, felt young children should be at home. About a third--34% of the home-based mothers and 36% of the fathers--sided with child care.

Working mothers are split, with 47% saying day care is better and 48% believing that being with parents is better.

It is not surprising that both groups of women lean on their own experiences when asked if families are better served when fathers work and mothers stay home. More than half of at-home mothers--54%--strongly agreed with that sentiment, as did a smaller 42% of working mothers. Working fathers are in between, with 45% strongly agreeing.

At least part of the urge that leads some mothers to stay home comes from their lingering distaste at being left in child care when they were young, the poll determined.

When asked whether the way they grew up affected how they are rearing their children, 14% of at-home mothers said they wanted to avoid putting their children in day care. Although a small number, it was twice that of the 6% of working mothers who came to the same conclusion.

One of the women surveyed, Jennifer Beck of Orangevale, said her decision to stay home with her two young sons was greatly influenced by her childhood, when her mother worked.

“I was so envious of the other kids, whose moms were there, making a snack, helping with the homework,” she said. “It was very lonely.”