It’s the Ultimate Battle of Good Versus Evil, and Your Vote Counts
Leader of the Pack: Time magazine’s online poll to choose the person who had the greatest influence on the 20th century--for good or evil--is narrowing to a three-way race. The original front-runner in the Person of the Century survey was Jesus Christ. But after he was disqualified on grounds that he didn’t actually walk the planet this century, Adolf Hitler moved into first.
Alarmed Jewish groups then launched a vote drive that put Yitzhak Rabin in the lead. He and Hitler have been duking it out ever since, but last week another contender muscled into first: Elvis Presley. To cast your vote, visit https://www.time.com.
Days of Wine and Wet Noses: A Napa Valley vineyard is hosting a wine tasting--for dogs. Owner Shari Staglin claims moderate drinking by canines is healthy and that her own Jack Russell terriers enjoy a little red wine poured over their kibble. Which is fine, as long as they don’t get behind the wheel, because then someone might found MADDD, Mothers Against Drunk Dog Driving.
Where’s the Beef?: One of the unfortunate side effects of the war in Kosovo is that it caused the media to focus on matters of life or death at the expense of their regular coverage of such pressing issues as Pamela Anderson Lee’s breast size and recent developments in the world of hamburgers. We apologize and bring you the following news:
* Wendy’s hamburger spokesman Dave Thomas taped his 652nd TV commercial last week, an unparalleled milestone in national advertising. Trailing him are Mr. Whipple with an estimated 500 spots and Col. Sanders with 127.
* Burger King is opening its first restaurant in Italy. No word on whether the building will have a drive-thru drive-by-shooting window so Mafia hit men can gun down rival mobsters inside.
* San Francisco Chronicle columnist Scott Ostler has embarked on a search for the world’s most expensive burger. The leader so far is a $30.25 room service hamburger at the Trump International Hotel in New York ($25 base price, plus 21% service charge).
Bringing History to Life: Here at Off-Kilter, we are dismayed by recent polls in which Americans display a frightening ignorance of U.S. history. Therefore, we’re going to begin publishing mini-tutorials from time to time on some of the great moments and turning points in our nation’s past.
For example, on this date 10 years ago, in what most historians now refer to as “the slap heard ‘round the world,” Zsa Zsa Gabor whacked a Beverly Hills motorcycle cop on the face after he stopped her for a minor traffic violation.
When she was later convicted and sentenced to a Draconian 72 hours in jail, a massive riot erupted on Rodeo Drive as thousands of angry rich people double-parked their BMWs, torched copies of the Wall Street Journal and hurled empty Evian bottles at police.
Alarming Trends Bureau: The U.S. Mint has hired Kermit the Frog as its official spokesman.
Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Noah Kicked Some Animals Off the Ark . . . Making Them Extinct Forever, Says Expert!” (Weekly World News)
The list of creatures thrown overboard includes an animal that resembled a hairy turtle without a shell (expelled for wetting the favorite carpet of Noah’s wife) and a six-legged mule.
Unpaid Informants: Chicago Sun-Times, Wireless Flash News Service, PR Newswire. Off-Kilter’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.
