All Together Now: M-I-C . . . See What We’ve Started Here?

Fine Tuning Bureau: We cannot figure you guys out. In recent weeks, we’ve printed hard-hitting stories about Huggies diapers that emit luminous green sparks, an Illinois town that legalized cigar smoking by dogs and a Japanese bra that detects incoming missiles.

Journalism doesn’t get any better than this. But did we get even a smidgen of reader response? No.

However, we publish a simple little list of the best TV theme songs of all time and suddenly we’re inundated with mail accusing us of shirking our responsibility to the public.

“I can’t believe you omitted ‘I Love Lucy’ from your list!” fumed Emmie Miller. “You are a disgrace to the baby boomer generation.”

Well, we admit to the disgrace part, but we still don’t love Lucy. We also refuse to budge on demands that we add “The Mickey Mouse Club” theme to our list, mainly because every time we got a letter about it, the song got stuck in our heads. M-I-C-K-E-Y . . . Why? Because it’s annoying.

Other readers lobbied for “Sanford and Son,” “Route 66,” “Batman,” “Mannix,” “Davy Crockett” and “Dragnet” (“Dum de dum dum,” wrote Judy Davis. “How soon we forget”).

However, the No. 1 gripe was our omission of “Mr. Ed.” As Lance Gifford put it: “Step into a crowded elevator anywhere in the U.S. and hum to yourself, ‘A horse is a horse . . . ‘ and without fail someone will respond, ‘Of course, of course.’ It may not be great art, but it has permeated the very pores of our society. What better criteria do you need?”

A valid argument. So we hereby award “Mr. Ed” a spot on our cultural impact list.

In other mail, a reader named John Kennedy was upset by our report on a Portland Oregonian contest to create a billboard slogan that would discourage outsiders from moving into the state. One of the entries was: “So many Californians, so little ammo.”

Kennedy wrote, “If this is a correct quote from the Oregonian, then it is certainly an example of irresponsible journalism, in view of the spate of recent killings. . . . My wife and I don’t see any humor in such a quote. We make many trips to Oregon to visit relatives, but I must say that we are now a bit hesitant.”

We wrote back: “That quote came from the Oregonian’s humor column, the Edge, so we don’t think it was meant seriously. Therefore, you shouldn’t worry about visiting Oregon. However, with a name like John Kennedy, you might want to avoid Dallas.”

Quote of the Day: From U.S. attorney Donald K. Stern, responding to a judge’s inquiry into allegations that the government placed a tracking device in a reputed mobster’s rear end during surgery to remove a bullet: “We can confirm that the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration did not implant a tracking device in defendant Vincent M. ‘Gigi Portalla’ Marino’s buttocks. But we cannot speak, however, for any extraterrestrial beings.”

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “New Antichrist Detector Can Detect ‘The Beast’ Up to 500 Yards Away!” (Weekly World News)

However, once you locate Mr. 666, WWN advises: “Call 911. Report your findings of the antichrist to law enforcement officials.”

Unpaid Informants: Scott Martelle, Associated Press. Off-Kilter’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, we walk along the beach with a metal detector, looking for buried coins, jewelry and Antichrists.