LAUGH LINES

Scandal du Jour: Juanita Broaddrick alleges President Clinton attacked her 20 years ago. “She said she would have come forward to press charges against Clinton sooner, but the line was so long.” (Jay Leno)

Mending Fences: President Clinton met with the GOP leadership last week. “It was obviously a little chilly, a little strange, a little awkward; you know, like dinner with Hillary.” (David Letterman)

Mending Fences II: Clinton has said he’ll do whatever it takes to work in a positive way with Congress. “In fact, earlier today he said if it helps . . . he’ll start dating Republican chicks.” (Letterman)

Onward: The Clintons may be moving to New York. “Their new address? One Impeachment Plaza.” (Letterman)

On the Air: Barbara Walters says her upcoming interview with Monica Lewinsky is a “touching interview.” “A touching interview with Monica Lewinsky? Isn’t that how this whole mess got started in the first place?” (Steve Voldseth)

No-Brainer: Vince and Larry, the two crash test dummies, reportedly will no longer appear in TV commercials. “The two announced they’re retiring to work on Dan Quayle’s presidential campaign.” (Conan O’Brien)

Work Woes: Levi’s announced it is laying off up to one-third of its work force in the U.S. and Canada. “Even the brand’s popular 501 jeans will undergo a drastic cut. They’ll be renamed 250 1/2s.” (Bob Mills)

Model Blues: Calvin Klein isn’t renewing Kate Moss’ contract. “She was so upset, she couldn’t throw up for a week.” (Zack Taylor)

Model Blues II: “When most people lose a job, the first thing they worry about is putting food on the table. For Kate Moss, that hasn’t been a problem since the mid-1980s.” (Mark Wheeler)

Changing Channels: Ted Turner is planning a new cable network geared to the South. “It’ll feature programming of particular interest to Southerners. So I guess you can rule out Yankee games.” (Daily Scoop)

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The Essential

David Letterman

Top signs the Clintons are your neighbors:

10. Your neighbor comes over to ask if he can borrow a couple of interns.

9. Your other neighbors, the Starrs, just can’t seem to get them evicted.

7. Dry cleaner around corner has more business than it can handle.

6. When you get in the elevator with your neighbor, he asks, “Going down?” then chuckles to himself.

4. You find a pair of boxers in laundry room reading “Hail to This.”

3. Two days after you borrow a bag of ice, Betty Currie knocks on your door and asks for it back.

2. Your elevator has been re-christened “Bubba Chute One.”

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