LAUGH LINES

Breaking News: Besides Monica Lewinsky’s interview with Barbara Walters, her book comes out this week, and her British TV interview airs this week. “And today, President Clinton announced he is bombing every country in the world, just pretty much carpet bombing.” (Jay Leno)

Future Shock: Paula Jones has embarked on a new career as a psychic advisor. “She thinks she has psychic abilities, but she doesn’t have normal sensory abilities. She went up to Clinton’s room--I’m not a psychic, and I know what happens when you go up to Clinton’s room.” (Leno)

Hit the Road: Auto safety tests show the Isuzu Trooper, the Kia Sportage and the Honda CR-V may roll over. “When Ken Starr heard they might roll over, he offered them immunity the same day.” (Argus Hamilton)

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Mark Wheeler’s

Top Shows on CBS-NBC

Now that a CBS executive has expressed interest in buying NBC, we can see the prime-time lineup already.

* “3rd Rock From Andy Rooney’s Kidney.”

* “Just Shoot Raymond.”

* “Martial Law and Order.”

* “Touched by Stone Phillips.”

* “Walker, Texas Frasier.”

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