LAUGH LINES

So Sorry: On his trip to Latin America, President Clinton offered his apologies to Guatemala. “I didn’t even know Clinton slept with Guatemala.” (Jay Leno)

That’s Cold: A blast of winter weather hit the East Coast last week. “I’ll tell you how cold it was at the White House: Interns were flashing their long underwear.” (Leno)

Book ‘Em: Linda Tripp says she is considering writing a book about her role in the Monica Lewinsky-Bill Clinton scandal. “I believe the working title is ‘I’m OK, You’re Gonna Have to Speak a Little Louder.’ ” (Steve Voldseth)

Sweep(mis)stakes: The Senate wants to crack down on misleading sweepstakes mailings. “Among the proposals is a warning to consumers that their odds of winning are less than their chances of outliving Dick Clark.” (Joshua Sostrin)

Weather or Not: More than a foot of snow fell on portions of the Midwest and East last week, causing havoc at airports. “Airlines were three hours behind on sending passengers’ luggage to the wrong cities.” (Jerry Perisho)

All Aboard: Amtrak is scheduling 150 mph trains on the East Coast. “Don’t you think Amtrak ought to master 60 mph trains before they move up to 150?” (Mark Wheeler)

What a Doll: Barbie turned 40 last week, and Mattel introduced a new version of the doll with a butterfly tattoo on her stomach. “No, wait! That’s not a tattoo. That’s a scar from her tummy tuck.” (Perisho)

Flashback: A study of college students found that childhood exposure to horror scenes from films like “Jaws” and “Psycho” resulted in adult phobias. “Imagine what the new generation of kids exposed to Kevin Costner movies will go through.” (Wheeler)

More Silly Science: Researchers have discovered a drug that alleviates cocaine addiction and will be testing it on cocaine-addicted monkeys. “It must be very difficult to treat a monkey with a monkey on its back.” (Chris Pina)

Legal Line: The artist formerly known as Prince is suing several Web sites because he says they’re using his symbol without permission. “He was quoted as saying, ‘Hey, let them come up with their own weird, career-ruining symbols.’ ” (Conan O’Brien)

How Do I Love Thee?: Actor Charles Sheen recently published a book of poetry and said it was much harder than he thought. “Of course--how many words rhyme with prostitute?” (Axel W. Kyster)

Not Coming to a Theater Near You: Rumor has it that Jim Carrey is no longer set to star in the remake of “The Incredible Mr. Limpet,” the film about a man who becomes a fish. “He reportedly didn’t want to work for scale.” (Ira Lawson)

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