In a Stew Over the Oscars : One could go hungry when trying to conjure Oscar-dining ideas from these nominees.

Before the Great Nominee Announcement, loud were the complaints, in the media and among Hollywood cognoscenti, about the lack of truly worthy candidates for this year’s Oscar awards. How, went the cries, will they ever come up with five quality movies for best picture?

Quality, schmality. What about the deleterious effect these same movies will have on my Oscar party? The rules of attendance are so simple; guests must bring food either eaten in or suggested by a nominated movie. Now, that’s nominated in any category, no matter how obscure, an important bylaw this year. As an example from the past, bacon for “Babe.” See? Easy.

But when satisfying hungry guests depends on the whims of Serious Filmmakers, matters suddenly aren’t so carefree. Consider this: Of the top nominees this year, there are two war movies and one concentration camp movie. None depicts a situation known for catering. And between “Saving Private Ryan,” “Thin Red Line” and “Life Is Beautiful” on one hand and some other favorites like “The Truman Show” on the other, we’re basically looking at C rations and TV dinners. Yeah, that’s a party.

It’s enough to make one nostalgic for “Titanic.” Whatever one might think of its length or ubiquitous presence in pop culture, at least it provided plenty of food fodder and, more important, bad puns. Last year’s party was as dominated by the oceanic epic as were the awards. For example, we had iceberg lettuce, garnished with leaks--I mean, leeks. There was a souffle that sank and 101-year-old rose.

We ignored James Cameron’s request for a moment of silence for Titanic victims but did later observe one of our own for the tiny sailors bobbing haplessly in our punch bowl, which was filled with a sea-blue beverage chilled by a block of ice. Too bad the Lifesavers were just candy. There were also crab cakes and Nearer My Cod to Thee fish and chips.

To continue with last year--yes, despite the belief of teenage girls everywhere, there were other movies last year--”Good Will Hunting” produced Smarties and a choice of apple dishes, in case you didn’t like them [sic] apples and preferred the ones at the other end of the table. And there was a tiny hotel room bar screwdriver--a “mini” Driver, as it were.

For “The Sweet Hereafter” we hit a new low in bad taste with baby squash. (Oh, admit it, you laughed.) There was also a performance piece involving removing the head from a chocolate bunny and then presenting the sweet hare, after. Open “Face/Off” sandwiches had their ingredients switched, while we snacked on As Good and Plenty As It Gets.

Ah, those were the days. This year, the food references are few and far between. Matters are so grim that we’ve had to go all the way down the list to the special Oscar award to Elia Kazan, who directed “A Streetcar Named Desire,” which suggests fine Creole cooking, and Stella did take Blanche to the venerable Galatoire’s for dinner to avoid Stanley’s poker night.

But the controversy over Kazan and his testimony during the blacklist days makes us hesitant, even as it suggests still more possibilities. After all, he was a stool pigeon (squab) who squealed (pork) on his friends, and many have a beef (self-explanatory) with that. Still, how can you pass up Are You Now or Have You Ever Beans, washed down with Johnny Walker Red?

But though the picking may be slim, there are some choices out there. A well-adorned box of Life cereal would be Beautiful indeed. We may try to impress government officials, as “Beautiful’s” protagonist did, with a simple broiled salmon, salad and glass of wine, but unlike the movie, we promise any eggs we give to guests will end up in their stomachs, not on their heads.

We dare you to re-create that anachronistic special of the day from “Shakespeare in Love’s” favorite tavern: pig’s foot marinated in juniper berry vinegar served on a buckwheat pancake. A thoughtful host would provide toothbrushes and toothpaste so their guests don’t end up with teeth like Geoffrey Rush’s character’s.

We so loved “Babe: Pig in the City”--nominated for best song but we would have given it a lot more--that we take back that earlier bacon joke. Instead, we suggest doling out single jelly beans to each guest, but be sure everyone thanks the pig. And we’ll be mad if anyone spills a Thin Red Wine line on our light-colored couch.

Pay homage to Jennifer Lopez’s formidable behind in “Out of Sight” with rump roast. We won’t be shy about hitting the party buffet, thanks to her demonstrating that women who look like they eat attract men who look like George Clooney.

It was most thoughtful of Krispy Kreme doughnuts to open its first Southern California franchise, in La Habra, in time to supply us with the several dozen glazed we need for our all-you-can-eat president in “Primary Colors.” “Armageddon” fans can show up with Starbursts and Pop Rocks.

Salute the veddy bloody “Elizabeth” with heads--of lettuce, that is--on spikes, or how about an old-fashioned Brown Betty?

You could always try to kill your guests with love with that cholesterol- and carbohydrate-heavy TV breakfast from “Pleasantville” (nominated for art direction). Dessert for the latter would be black and white cookies. And can anyone tell us if they still manufacture FrankenBerry cereal? We need some for “Gods and Monsters.”

And, no, we don’t know how we will react when Kazan is presented his award. But you can bet we will be eating a big plate of Red Velvet Cake.

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We dare you to re-create that anachronistic special of the day from “Shakespeare in Love’s” favorite tavern: pig’s foot marinated in juniper berry vinegar served on a buckwheat pancake.