LAUGH LINES

On the Campaign Trail: Steve Forbes became the first presidential candidate ever to announce his candidacy on the Internet. “Which means that, at some point, he’ll also be the first person to withdraw from the race on the Internet.” (Ira Lawson)

On the Campaign Trail II: Forbes said he lost the race in 1996 by starting late and didn’t have time to get his message across. “Now that he’s starting early, experts say he’ll lose by having plenty of time to get his message across.” (Jon Stewart)

Quite a Trick: Sen. Jesse Helms has criticized a U.S. agency for giving money to a group that sometimes spread its family planning message in Haiti at voodoo rituals. “Helms claims he’s not anti-black magic but has always supported separate-but-equal magic.” (Stewart)

So Long: Paula Jones and her husband have separated. “I guess they were arguing over who gets the house, and then Paula just got in it and drove it away.” (Jay Leno)

So Long II: Despite the separation, Paula Jones says things won’t get ugly. “She added, ‘We’re just separating. It’s not like I’m getting my old nose back.’ ” (Conan O’Brien)

Legal Line: A group of lawyers has hired O.J. Simpson to be its spokesman in a series of commercials for the group’s 800 number. “Boy, how bad is your image when you gotta hire O.J. to improve it?” (Leno)

Get Your Irish Up: For the ninth year in a row, an Irish gay and lesbian organization was banned from marching in New York City’s St. Patrick’s Day parade. “But on the bright side, they were invited to a huge keg party at Tinky Winky’s.” (O’Brien)

Trying to Score: The NFL has tentatively awarded an expansion football team to Los Angeles. “Now if only someone would award a basketball team to the Clippers.” (Alex Kaseberg)

To Go, Please: McDonald’s is coming out with the calorie-laden Mega Mac. “Give you an idea of how big this thing is: It still has hooves on it.” (Leno)

Another to Go Order: “I went to McDonald’s and ordered the new adult Happy Meal. It’s a Mega Mac and a heart defibrillator.” (Steve Voldseth)

There’s a Plan: The owner of the Barbie Hall of Fame is being evicted, and thousands of Barbie dolls could be homeless. “Why can’t they just move into the Malibu Dreamhouse?” (Howie Mandel)

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The Essential Daily List

(from the Daily Scoop)

Why Dennis Rodman took a leave of absence from the Lakers:

4. He was having a bad hair month.

3. Just because.

2. He wanted to spend more time with his wife--get to know her.

1. This whole Kosovo situation has him too upset to play.

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