Get Me to the Casino on Time

The groom and the groomsmen were absent for the rehearsal dinner because the bachelor party was in Las Vegas and they had, uh, missed their flight back to the Southland. Two of the groomsmen, in fact, showed up at the wedding without their tuxedos.

After the “I do’s,” the bride’s father said in his toast, “I must say, I feel that I’m not losing a daughter, I’m gaining a Dennis Rodman, because he always goes to Las Vegas and never comes back.”

One big difference between the groom and the wandering Laker, however, is that the groom did not wear a dress.

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SUBTLE REMINDER? David Wills of Long Beach, who contributed today’s marquee (see photo), wondered if the “permanent hair removal” was a procedure performed on individuals who were negligent in paying back loans.

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DISORDER IN THE COURT! The book “The Howls of Justice” gives comedy its day in court, presenting numerous witticisms, jokes and offbeat stories about the legal system. Some memorable quotes from trial transcripts, as related by authors Harry Shafer, a retired L.A. Superior Court judge, and writer Angie Papadakis:

* A Compton Municipal Court judge told the jurors: “The court is now in recess, and whenever the court is not in session, you are free to go out and expose yourselves.”

* An attorney once asked a witness: “Did the man have a mustache that got out of the car?”

* Asked if her husband was “still living,” a juror responded: “No, he’s retired.”

* A young man arrested for plain drunkenness in Malibu was asked, “How do you plead?” He responded, “Very hard, your honor.”

* A driver involved in an automobile accident said, “I thought the window was down but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.”

* Another driver explained his own mishap this way: “I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.”

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AND, FINALLY: “Howls of Justice” offers this physiology lesson contained in some courtroom dialogue:

Attorney: “At the time the door flew open, where was your right buttock?”

Plaintiff: “On an angle against the door.”

Attorney: “And where was your left buttock?”

Plaintiff: “Close by.”

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THE NOT-SO-SMART PAGES: While talk persists of the San Fernando Valley seceding from the city of L.A., Peter Duffy noticed that L.A. County seems to have annexed Ventura County. That is, if you believe the government section of Pacific Bell’s directory for that area (see accompanying). Camarillo, Oxnard, Ventura and others are listed under L.A. County. Talk about heading over the embankment!

miscelLAny:

Jan Laverty of Long Beach says that since losing her hearing a few years ago, she relies on the closed captioning systems of television stations--for information as well as for unintended humor. The other night, on one newscast, Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf was introduced for commentary on the bombing of Kosovo. A caption identified him as “Gen. Arnold Schwarzenegger.”

Steve Harvey can be reached by phone at (213) 237-7083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com and by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, Times Mirror Square, L.A. 90053.