Don’t Laugh: Your School Could Be Next

Bob Sansevere in the St. Paul Pioneer-Press:

“There’s a fax being circulated around the Twin Cities titled ‘College Entrance Exam for Gopher Athletes.’ The fax is faux.

“Questions on the exam include ‘How many commandments was Moses given (approximately)?’ . . . There also are multiple-choice questions, such as: ‘Can your explain Einstein’s Theory of Relativity a) yes or b) no.’

“Another multiple-choice question: ‘What is the University of Minnesota Gophers’ mascot? a) flea, b) snake, c) GOPHER, d) minnow.’

“Stuff such as that phony entrance exam is what can happen when athletes at a school are accused of academic fraud. Which, as you probably know, is the case with the men’s basketball program at the University of Minnesota.”

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Trivia time: Who holds the NBA record for offensive rebounds in a game?

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No fans, either: Golden State guard Bimbo Coles on the Sports Arena: “They can blow it up if they want. It’s a depressing building. You come in here and there’s no energy in the building, kind of blah.”

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Come again? Philadelphia Phillie catcher Mike Lieberthal on resuming running after suffering a pelvic injury: “I was only going three-quarters to 75%.”

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Graveyard humor: Tim Keown in the San Francisco Chronicle: “In New York, they call it the light touch: In Thursday’s New York Post, Fred Kerber wrote, ‘To say the Nets were lifeless last night would be an insult to corpses everywhere.’ ”

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More Keown: “Orel Hershiser signed with the Mets, and savvy Bay Area sports fans could have predicted the following: Speaking about playing in New York, Hershiser said, ‘People say it’s the best city in the world.’

“So you, of course, know the rest: Orel will be vowing to live there the rest of his life.”

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Say no, David: Peter Vecsey in the New York Post: “Should NATO be successful in bombing Juan Antonio Samaranch out of his stronghold as IOC president, David Stern may very well get first crack at the post.

“Sources say the NBA commissioner has received feelers to find out whether he’d be interested.”

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Hot pennies: Steve Rosenbloom in the Chicago Tribune: “Turkey’s Interior Ministry ordered tougher security measures for the country’s soccer games to tame its crazy fans.

“Among the new measures is an order to confiscate loose change. Yes, loose change. Here’s why: Fans heat up coins with cigarette lighters, then throw the coins at players and officials. No lie.”

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Trivia answer: Moses Malone of the Houston Rockets, 21, against the Seattle SuperSonics on Feb. 11. 1982.

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And finally: David Casstevens in the Arizona Republic: “When a cheery TV reporter asked Garth Brooks how he will feel when spring training ends and Brooks is informed he made the opening-day roster and is a full-fledged Padre, the entertainer offered a reply as ridiculous as the question:

“ ‘And they’ll also tell me we have world peace and we’re out of debt as a country.’ ”