LAUGH LINES

Near Miss: Air Force One came within 1,000 feet of another aircraft and had to take evasive action to get away. “Which is what President Clinton does best.” (Argus Hamilton)

Go Figure: NASA officials report that the Mars surveyor is 90% done mapping the planet Mars. “We almost have a complete map of the planet Mars. Isn’t that amazing? We don’t even have a decent map of Yugoslavia.” (Jay Leno)

Funny Business: Starbucks raised coffee prices despite a decline in the wholesale price of beans. “Now it’s adding a new cup size: grande thefti.” (Steve Voldseth)

Adventures in Shopping: Kodak Express is opening a store at the South Pole. “In fact, it’s going to be right across the street from the Starbucks.” (Andrew Wisot)

Science Lite: According to a British journal, teens in England and Wales have the highest incidence of teenage pregnancy in Europe. “Well, they’re sure not spending their spare time in the dentist’s office.” (Ira Lawson)

Prepare for Liftoff: Virgin Atlantic Airways is redecorating an airplane cabin with shag carpeting, loud colors and lava lamps. “Apparently the idea is to make the plane an exact replica of Air Force One.” (Conan O’Brien)

Holidaze: June 25 is Take Your Dog to Work Day. “I got a better idea. How about a day dog owners can really appreciate, like Take Your Dog to a Neighbor’s Front Lawn Day?” (Voldseth)

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.