Take a Memo! ... Um, Please

Emily Post and her offspring have built a cottage industry around etiquette. For nearly a century, they have been saving Americans from the embarrassment of improper fork usage and resolving other manners matters. “The Etiquette Advantage in Business: Personal Skills for Professional Success” (HarperResource), in bookstores today, is the latest offering from Peggy and Peter Post, third- and fourth-generation Posts, respectively. In it, they address politesse as it applies to the modern workplace--from grooming and e-mail issues to handshakes and interviewing techniques. We caught up with the Posts recently to discuss the necessity of etiquette in today’s business environment.

Question: There seems to be a generational divide regarding etiquette, the complaint being that young people lack manners.

Peter: If there’s a lack of learning about it, maybe it’s due to two-parent working families. We’re not as much able to be taught at home as we used to be. It’s ultimately not as important to me whether one generation is more respectful of these skills than another but that people today want to improve themselves by having this kind of help.

Peggy: A lot of people recognize there’s a need. They want to be able to have things run smoothly. They want that confidence. I think every generation is searching for that. A lot of people equate etiquette with formality and stuffiness, and it couldn’t be further from the truth. Maybe some forms are, but the word itself really means how we get along with each other. It’s about relationships and consideration. The guidelines today are adapted for our informal world, not the formalities of the world. The guidelines are always changing.

Q: Why is etiquette important?

Peggy: Etiquette is about being considerate. Emily always said it doesn’t matter what fork one uses. What really matters is being kind and considerate--paying attention to the people you’re dining with, not the fork. The forms and the manner that people sometimes associate with etiquette maybe seem like they don’t have a reason, but they provide a sense of order. The underlying principles are more important than the form.

Q: Many people, especially young people, see polite behavior as fake.

Peter: We certainly understand the concept behind that. If you do any kind of an act and it’s shallow, if it doesn’t have support underneath in terms of people believing what you’re doing, then they’re going to see it as being fake. What we really need to do is be considerate and respectful, honest and kind to people around us, and then our politeness isn’t going to be perceived as fakeness.

Q: How is etiquette applicable in the workplace?

Peter: In the work world today, simply knowing how to do your job, the education component, isn’t enough. It’s how you relate to people that’s also very important. Your appearance, the words and actions you take are going to affect how people respond to you.

Q: In your book, you emphasize the importance of a proper handshake. There are a lot of bad handshakes out there. What’s the proper way to do it?

Peter: The proper business handshake is to stand first. Then you smile or nod at the person, you greet them by saying their name, and then you extend your hand, you look them in the eye and you clasp their hand firmly. You don’t do the old great-aunt handshake, which leaves a limp wrist. You don’t do a double clasp or a bone crusher. You grasp firmly and shake two or three times, take your hand away and stand with a respectful space between you and the other person.

Peggy: This is an example of how guidelines change over the years. It used to be that a man did not shake a woman’s hand unless she offered her hand first. Today in the business world where we’re “gender neutral,” it’s a matter of people just shaking hands. They just do it.

Peter: One of the things a handshake says is, “It’s a pleasure to meet you.” And there’s consideration again. You’re starting your interaction with that person on a positive foot. Think about what it takes to do that. Pay attention to that person. First impressions are very important. It sets a tone. Ultimately, what all of this is about is being comfortable and being confident with what you’re doing. If you’re comfortable and confident, you’re removing the need to be concerned with how to relate to people and getting down to what it is you’ve got to do with them. That’s a real valuable reason.

Q: Computers and other technologies have made our lives easier, but at the same time they’ve quickened the pace of communication and the demand for response. Do you think technology is actually eroding etiquette?

Peter: A couple things have happened with the computer. It tends to isolate us. We’re not dealing with people face to face. By being isolated, we tend to use the technology without thinking of how it’s going to interrupt. It goes back to my issue of technology--not being a slave to it but using it to make your world easier.

Peggy: Computers, Federal Express, fax machines. All of these machines, if you will, have made us an instantaneous society, so people are now expecting things right away. It’s in that kind of an environment that people sometimes just don’t stop and say hello to each other. They forget some of the niceties.

Q: With more and more office spaces turning into cube farms, is it possible for employees to have any privacy? To have a private conversation in a cubicle is almost an oxymoron.

Peter: The office should have some spaces set aside that are private--meeting rooms or you can borrow somebody’s office. Any of those types of situations would give you the opportunity to have a private conversation without having to worry about whether or not somebody can overhear the whispering you’re doing.

In a situation where you receive a personal phone call and you need to talk to that person, it’s important to keep your conversation private and also considerate to other people who feel uncomfortable hearing it. If you’re in a nearby cubicle, at least try not to listen. That’s a hard thing to do, but try to respect that person.

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