City Happy to Help You Stamp Out Junk Mail

Dear Steven B. Chawkins: We are pleased to inform you that you have been pre-approved for our new, low-interest, Obscenely Acquisitive Fat Cat Titanium Visa . . .

Dear Mr. Chawkins: Even though it apparently slipped your mind to renew your subscription to “Dairy Goat Journal,” you may already have won the Publishers’ Clearinghouse $100 BILLION JACKPOT!!! . . .

Dear Steve: As another joyous holiday season approaches, take a minute to think of Little Inga, who clings to her threadbare existence in war-torn Sweden on a meager diet of rye toast, champagne and smoked salmon . . .

Dear Occupant: What would you say if we told you that you can own a pair of drop-forged, stainless-steel, celebrity-caliber NOSE-HAIR CLIPPERS for less than it costs to take the family out to an evening of all-star wrestling? . . .

Dear Junk-Mail Giants: Nevermore!

Actually, I don’t mind junk mail. If I didn’t get junk mail, I wouldn’t get any mail at all. Besides, there’s probably a secret list somewhere of people who insist on being yanked off the lists that make American commerce run. It’s these people, I suspect, who open their doors at midnight to discover bushel baskets full of smoked salmon automatically billed to their new Titanium Visas.

Even so, I salute the city of Thousand Oaks for its effort to unclog its residents’ mailboxes.

The city is giving away--ABSOLUTELY FREE!--”Junk Mail Reduction Kits.” Just call the city’s environmental hotline at 449-SAVE. That’s 449-SAVE--and for our readers at home--449-SAVE.

What you’ll receive will be a listing of 15 major companies that sell the names and addresses of consumers by the million. Your postcard will demand removal from their lists. That will stem the tide of junk into your home, until you wind up on new lists by ordering a pair of pants from a catalog, or by sending in a warranty form for your new toaster, or simply by continuing to exist.

“The demand has overwhelmed us,” said Gail Kaufman, the city employee who runs the program. “But sometimes it’s good to be overwhelmed.”

About 300 residents and a dozen from other cities have asked for the kits, and the calls keep coming, Kaufman said. All that will translate into fewer trees killed and more landfill space preserved; the only catalogs to make it through the purge will presumably be the ones people truly need, such as those for survival gear and Williams-Sonoma stemware.

The cards can be sent to anyone who sends you anything you don’t wish to receive. Harold J. Pittman will still send you your county property-tax bills, but the city of Thousand Oaks will quit sending you its newsletters, if that’s what you want, Kaufman said.

The program costs the city less than $1,000. Officials came up with it after handing out decals to residents who didn’t want pizza fliers and such littering their front lawns.

“Residents asked, ‘What about junk mail?’ ” Kaufman said.

And what’s next?

Maybe the city will help its beleaguered residents ward off unwanted e-mails--and low-rent investment gurus who call at dinner time with urgent news about a very special buying opportunity.

If the city can work that out, let me know.

I’ll be in Stockholm, toasting Little Inga.

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Steve Chawkins can be reached at 653-7561 or by e-mail at steve.chawkins@latimes.com.