Elemental Snack Tip: Mercury and Chips Don’t Mix

The satisfaction in writing a newspaper column comes from knowing your words may affect hundreds of thousands of lives and, by extension, the march of civilization.

It is no small burden to bear, nor one to take lightly.

Despite the incessant pressure it forces upon me, I refuse to shirk my responsibilities. Sure, I toss and turn till 4 every morning and am aging prematurely because of it, but that goes with the territory.

My role is heightened when an issue surfaces about which I feel passionately. In those cases, I feel nothing short of a sacred duty to put pen to my thoughts.

Such an issue hit the papers last week in Orange County. Yes, I could avoid it and write about something frivolous, but I choose not to.

Quite simply, I couldn’t live with myself if I did not address it.

And so, this morning, I want to speak directly to junior high students throughout the county:

Kids, do not put liquid mercury on your potato chips.

I know what you’re saying--”but it tastes great and it’s a cool thing to do.”

Believe me, it’s not cool. More important, it doesn’t enhance the taste of the chip.

If you must adorn the chip, try salsa or something from the cream cheese family.

For those of you with more exotic tastes, perhaps a dab of caviar.

But, to repeat, no mercury.

Not Just a Matter of Taste

I’m being emphatic about this, however, partly out of guilt.

Keeping mercury off potato chips is an issue I’ve long championed, but for one reason or another never got around to writing about.

Then, last week at Fitz Junior High School in Santa Ana, three students wound up at the hospital after sampling some of the slippery stuff.

Luckily, all were released quickly with no harm done.

Health officials explained that mercury in small doses isn’t harmful and that closing school for the day and screening 145 students for the presence of mercury were precautionary steps.

Kids, you can imagine how I felt knowing I might have been able to prevent the whole thing.

I hope you’ll accept my apologies for not warning you. I’m sure your teachers feel equally bad for never having brought it up.

Our only excuse, however feeble, is that we thought you’d know that a substance used in thermometers wouldn’t really go well with junk food. We assumed too much.

We’re not trying to be wet blankets. Your teachers and I understand that junior high can be a time for food exploration, but we should have told you not to include raw substances found in the periodic table of elements.

Are you aware that excessive amounts of mercury, whether touching your skin or being swallowed, can result in a third ear sprouting from your head?

That would be quite an “X-Files” moment, wouldn’t it?

I’m not trying to be snippy or sound all superior. In fact, to atone for my oversight in not warning you about eating mercury, let me alert you to another scenario:

Once a Heavy Metal Fan Too

In a year or so, many of you may be taking biology. If so, one of the lessons may involve dissecting a frog.

Please, resist the temptation to take some of the frog entrails and tuck them into a sandwich.

I know it sounds appetizing and a great way to impress your friends, but trust me, you’ll regret it.

You may be asking, “How’d you get to be so smart?” The answer is, I’m not.

You may not believe this, but I was once a junior-high kid myself. And, true story, I remember someone bringing mercury into our classroom.

I think it was our teacher.

We passed it around, laughed at how slippery it was and learned its properties--none of which I remember today.

However, I do remember the teacher’s admonition: “Don’t put any of this stuff on your potato chips.”

She was a darn good teacher.

I hope this column has been helpful. I wish it had been written a week ago.

You’ve probably heard enough of me for one day, but at the risk of sounding preachy, leave that mercury alone.

But remember to eat your vegetables.

Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Readers may reach Parsons by calling (714) 966-7821, by writing to him at The Times Orange County Edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, CA 92626, or by e-mail at dana.parsons@latimes.com.