It was just like any other mid-autumn evening, everyone from the rural community was packed into the stadium. This was the big game, the championship between the Pirates and the Jaguars. The crowd was wild, loud and excited, and they all had their giant foam fingers waving about with the big No. 1 printed on the side.
Tiffany Jacobs was the captain of the cheerleading squad. She was beautiful with long blond hair and these deep confused-looking blue eyes. She and the rest of the cheerleaders were kicking, flipping, and they all had giant foam fingers in the air. Tiffany stopped waving her foam finger to get ready for a split when she realized that her hand was still moving. As the foam finger attacked, she let out a muffled scream, and, as its poison entered her veins, she collapsed to the ground on top of her megaphone without anyone noticing. The giant foam finger then systematically exchanged itself for each of the cheerleaders’ neon orange foam fingers until the squad was a heap of pompoms, miniskirts and bleached hair on the field.
The giant foam finger hitched a ride on a stroller and made its way to the visitors’ side, where it promptly got to work. It started with the coaches and the bench-warmers by slashing them with its 9-inch, stainless-steel retractable fingernail. The giant foam finger’s final massacre was about to go down. It slowly slinked its way to the goal posts, where it waited until the next field goal. The goal was good, and the giant foam finger quickly shaped itself into a football, which was used for the next play. The center got a 9-inch fingernail through the face mask. The quarterback’s arm was hacked off before the receiver could go deep enough. Before 10 yards had been gained, half of the Jaguars’ team lay limply strewn across the grass, and before half-time, the game was over for the Pirates had no opposing team.
So remember the next time you purchase one of those giant foam fingers and you think you’re safe, think again, and watch your back and your hand.