Just When You Thought It Was Safe to Smell the Water

To: Any Hollywood Mogul

From: Mr. Dana Parsons, Esq.

Subject: Screenplay Idea

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Endless summers form part of the mythic core of American leisure life. Fiery sunsets, weenie roasts and volleyball on the sand are indelibly and pleasurably etched in our minds, whether we live near oceans or not.

Imagine what happens when terror intrudes on that tranquillity.

That is the film I have in mind. Am I being presumptuous when I toss out terms like “summer blockbuster” and “$200 million at the box office”?

I think not.

Our setting: Labor Day weekend approaches and a fabled beach community is terrorized by a menace in the water, largely unseen but constantly lurking. In addition to the palpable fear that builds swiftly in the first 15 minutes (and which never lets go!), the story is driven by human conflict: health officials who deem the water unsafe versus local politicians and merchants who rely on summer tourism for the city’s economic vitality.

This is an entirely original concept, except for a little 1975 film called “Jaws.”

Perhaps you remember the kind of business “Jaws” did that summer. Even so, this is no rip-off.

“Jaws” was set in the Northeast; my film would be set in a fictional place not unlike Huntington Beach, Calif., which everyone associates with the beach and surfing and sand castles.

We have another twist:

While we “saw” the danger in “Jaws,” in my movie, we smell it.

That’s right. Our threat comes not from a shark or a human or any creature. Our enemy is a filthy, stinking sewage spill that unleashes bacteria along a lengthy stretch of formerly pristine California coastline.

In the same way that “Jaws” conveyed in its one-word title the starkness of the terror, so would my film, which I’m calling “Germs.”

The movie opens with a slow panoramic shot of the beach, complete with people frolicking in the waves and tossing Frisbees on the sand.

We then cue ominous-sounding music and, over the next minute or so, we see hundreds of people on shore holding their noses while others rush out of the water and puke their guts out on the sand.

This scene will set the tone of the entire movie.

Throughout, the movie constantly blends diverse themes, such as horror and typical human behavior. Similarly, the soundtrack might be described as Beach Boys meet Marilyn Manson.

Sample scene, involving a merchant and health official in a beach-side restaurant:

Merchant: The beach closure is strangling us.

Official: I sympathize, but I won’t jeopardize public health.

Merchant: I hate to play hardball, but I could jeopardize your health.

Official: Are you threatening me?

Merchant: I’m just saying--

(The merchant’s nose twitches and his face wrinkles in obvious discomfort.)

Merchant: What the heck is that smell?

And now, for the coup de grace.

All movies have dialogue, a story line and a soundtrack.

This movie goes one step further.

I’m proposing, as part of the campaign for “Germs,” that theaters running the picture be equipped with special odor-emitters to replicate the stench conveyed on screen.

Not enough stench to sicken theatergoers, of course, but enough to enliven their movie experience as never before.

In short, we’ll do for smell in the theater what Dolby did for sound. To sight and sound in American cinema, we will add smell.

This is the nub of my proposal. I could have a finished screenplay to you in six weeks. I have some casting ideas (an against-type Johnny Depp as the health official?) but would happily defer to you on that.

My friends, it’s been 24 years since “Jaws.”

It’s time for “Germs.”

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Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Readers may reach Parsons by calling (714) 966-7821 or by writing to him at the Times Orange County Edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, CA 92626, or by e-mail to dana.parsons@latimes.com