Page 2 / News, Trends, Gossip and Stuff To Do : Random Views : Fido’s Final Reward? : Call It a Question of Dog-ma, but Some Are Debating Whether Canines Have as Much Chance of Getting to Heaven as Humans

Some magazines aren’t afraid to tackle the profound questions of the ages. With its September issue, Dog Fancy joins the ranks of those courageous magazines, raising a philosophical query that has perplexed sages for centuries: “Do Dogs Go to Heaven?”

To find an answer, the magazine called upon the cast of a million jokes--a priest, a rabbi and a minister. Also a Buddhist, a Baptist and Mary Buddemeyer-Porter, author of “Will I See Fido in Heaven?” These distinguished experts immediately began scrapping like puppies fighting for a bone.

The Rev. Brian T. McSweeney, vice chancellor of the Catholic Archdiocese of New York, started the controversy. “Heaven was designed for humans,” he said. “The reason dogs may be there is for us, not for themselves. Dogs will go to heaven perhaps because of our relationship with them.”

Interviewer Judith Reitman couldn’t let that slip by unchallenged: “Would a dog have to have a relationship with a human to get to heaven?”

McSweeney responded: “If there is a dog on a desert island, and no one ever knew it, will it go to heaven? I don’t know.”

Rabbi Gershon Winkler of Cuba, N.M., did: The desert island dog is eligible for heaven--but only if it’s a good dog. “Every animal based on how it lives in this world will reap its reward, its divine bliss in the world to come.”

That’s ridiculous, said the Rev. Andrew Linzey, professor of theology at the University of Nottingham in England: “I think the idea that animals can make moral choices and should therefore be held responsible for their actions is absurd.”

Buddemeyer-Porter agreed. Dogs will get to heaven regardless of their behavior on Earth, she said: “It doesn’t make any difference what dogs do because they are innocent of any sin.”

“I think the species as a whole is a natural shoo-in,” said Stephen H. Webb, author of “On God and Dogs.” “A dog is an animal that has sacrificed its bestial nature and has entered into a relationship of loving mutuality. Dogs are the lead animals, the example for all animals.”

“For me, it is perfectly obvious and theologically essential that animals will go to heaven,” added Linzey. “Indeed, the only important theological question is whether humans will go to heaven. After all, animals have not been sinful, faithless and violent like we have.”

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This discussion is fascinating. The only problem is it ends too soon. Essential questions remain unanswered. What exactly will dogs do in heaven? Will they get to engage in their favorite activities--eating garbage, sniffing strangers’ crotches, chasing cats? If so, what will strangers and cats think of that? Will it mar their experience of heaven? What kind of heaven is it, anyway, if a Rottweiler with garbage breath is sniffing your crotch?

No discussion of dog magazines is complete without mention of the Bark, which bills itself as “The World’s Most Interesting Dog Magazine.”

The Bark comes out of Berkeley, and it shows. It’s a hip, literary, New Age-y dog quarterly. If it were a dog, it would be a mutt with a bandanna around its neck named Kafka or Borges.

For the current issue, the Bark abandoned its old tabloid format for standard magazine size. It looks good. It reads good, too. There are dog-related excerpts from Paul Auster’s new novel, “Timbuktu,” and Anne Lamott’s cult bestseller, “Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith.” There’s also an essay lambasting dog breeding, and a very funny Lynda Barry cartoon showing what dog products would be like if they were created by dogs.

Best of all are the ads. One offers “Acupressure/Laser-Puncture Therapeutic Massage” for dogs. Another offers psychotherapy for humans: “Have your canine companion accompany you to therapy to provide the support you need to begin talking about your problems, your grief, your fears, your feelings . . .”