Know Thy City

Competence is in. Just ask Martha Stewart or the folks at Home Depot, or the authors of the Modern Art/History of the World/Brain Surgery for Dummies series. It is no longer enough for us to succeed in our chosen fields. We must also brew our own beer, tile our own bathrooms, grow our own homeopathic herbs, write our own memoirs. The how-to industry has replaced Big Steel in terms of output and profit. And while we applaud the existence of guides explaining CPR and even the occasional article on really cute Halloween party favors, we feel left out.

We Angelenos, that is. Because face it, we’re special. We have different needs, different expectations of the world and of those around us. We don’t believe in dressing for dinner or standing in line. We have to deal with mudslides and earthquakes and SigAlerts and the Oscars tying up traffic downtown every year. We remain convinced we can get anywhere within the city limits in 20 minutes and are pathetically frustrated each and every time we can’t. We still believe in the American Dream. Hey, some of us continue to live in Malibu.

But if competence is what’s hot, well, we want some of that too. So we gave it some thought, and a list evolved. An abbreviated and, we’re betting, controversial list of 50 signs of city-specific capability. In other words, a competent Angeleno . . .

* Is able, at any given time, to list at least five reasons why L.A. is better than New York and 10 reasons it is better than San Francisco.

* Should be able to get uptown, cross town and to the airport from any point using only surface streets.

* Should know where Wilshire Boulevard crosses Santa Monica Boulevard (In Beverly Hills, just west of Spaulding), where Sunset becomes Cesar Chavez (at Beaudry), where San Fernando ends (at Avenue 20 downtown and in Santa Clarita). When you can figure out the vagaries of San Vicente, you have been in L.A. too long.

* Can identify by sight three studio heads, the governor, two local authors, two local artists and one local congressman.

* Knows to call a movie preview a trailer.

* Has earthquake kits in car, home and office. Has not raided them in pursuit of Band-Aids, water or snacks.

* Understands there is only one thing you can say to your friend at the premiere of his or her truly bad movie: “Congratulations.”

* Knows that adults dress for the occasion, not the weather (thus shorts at the opera are not so appropriate and black jeans do not qualify as formal wear). Often chooses to ignore this knowledge.

* Can calculate his or her own body fat and possibly that of spouse.

* Can actually order a smoothie infusion with a completely straight face.

* Will remain intentionally ignorant of the location of outlying communities unless he or she happens to live there, then finds other Angelenos’ ignorance outrageous.

* Remains fairly fuzzy on location of downtown, having been there only once in five years. Unless he or she happens to work there, then considers knowledge of downtown the ultimate requirement of Los Angeles competency.

* Should know if the Oscars are being held at the Music Center or the Shrine this year.

* Is able to gauge severity of any earthquake with a 0.5 margin of error.

* Can name all the various Patinas and Pinots.

* Knows how to properly pronounce Cahuenga, Wilshire, Micheltorena, La Jolla, La Cienega and Los Feliz.

* Knows the top five weekend box-office grosses by Monday noon, even when not in any way connected to the Industry. Sports teams come and go, Hollywood is here to stay.

* Insists upon sharing the memory of what certain places used to be (i.e. the Garden of Allah hotel on Sunset is now a mini-mall; the Beverly Center, once the site of pony rides).

* Understands the elasticity of the real estate term “adjacent.”

* Knows on which page of the Thomas Guide his or her home is located. (Bonus points if you know the letter/number coordinates.)

* Has at least one area of secret beach parking.

* Understands that if people’s voicemail messages request that you “leave your number even if you think I already have it,” it means they only return messages when they are in their car.

* Has seen the views from the hill behind the Hollywood sign, Griffith Park Observatory and the parking garage of Santa Monica Place.

* Has visited Watts Tower at least once.

* Understands the following acronyms: LACMA, (Los Angeles County Museum of Art), MOCA (Museum of Contemporary Art) Caltrans (California Department of Transportation), CMS (changeable message sign on freeways), SAG (Screen Actors Guild), ICM (International Creative Management), CAA (Creative Artists Agency).

* Knows at least one secret Hollywood Bowl parking place.

* Is able to verbally rationalize shopping at Health Mart and eating at In-N-Out.

* Can rank area codes in order of socioeconomic status.

* Has never purchased a “Star Map.”

* Knows how Century City got its name. (After the financial ruin that was “Cleopatra,” 20th Century Fox sold off much of its back lot.)

* Knows who Abbot Kinney was and what he did. (Designed and built the canals of Venice.)

* Can name L.A.’s one indigenous palm tree (Washingtonia filifera).

* Has lost the ability to even hear the circling helicopters or the nearby freeway.

* Knows how to say “please,” “thank you” and “Can I park here?” in at least three languages.

* Should be able to provide out-of-town guests with a minimum of three celebrity sightings in any 24-hour period.

Mary McNamara can be reached by e-mail at mary.mcnamara@latimes.com.

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L.A. author Carolyn See

A competent Angeleno . . .

* Can find the Empress Pavilion in Chinatown.

* Can find the Theatricum Botanica in Topanga. (Bonus points: Makes a U-turn on Topanga to enter.)

* Knows where the closest emergency room is.

* Is able to navigate the Eastside. Knows where the Eastside is.

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Leonard and Dale Pitt,

authors of “Los Angeles

A to Z” (University of

California Press, 1997)

A competent Angeleno . . .

* Knows that the original settlers of Los Angeles were the Tongva and Chumashtribes, of which almost all traces have been obliterated.

* Accepts that smog and fleas are here to stay. The former was recorded as early as 1542, the latter was the scourge of early ranchers.

* Knows that Marilyn Monroe was baptized by Aimee Semple Macpherson, knows who Macpherson was and where her temple is located.

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Caltrans officials

A competent Angeleno . . .

* Knows what constitutes a SigAlert (two lanes of traffic tied up for two hours or longer).

* Can identify California’s oldest freeway (the Pasadena Freeway), the longest freeway in California (the I-5, which stretches from Mexico to Oregon), and its shortest (the Marina Freeway, at 1.62 miles).

* Knows the name of the small round lane-divider bumps attached to the freeway stripping (Botts dots).

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Pete Demetriou, field reporter for KFWB radio, native Angeleno.

A competent Angeleno . . .

* Is geographically aware enough to know that the San Fernando Valley is north, the beach is west, central is south and the desert is east.

* Knows that rush hour always starts one hour earlier than you think it will.

* Knows there is a second airport and uses it.

* Knows that as far as Mexican food is concerned, the farther east it originates, the better it is.

* Has learned not to panic. Natural disasters happen.