Policy Should Be Taken Out on Both Teams

A review of Week 1 in the NFL, and the teams Carmen Policy built, the 49ers and Browns, combined to score three points in their season openers.

The Browns are just starting out; the 49ers are just about finished.

BIRTH CONTROL

Team Marketing Report, a Chicago firm, surveyed the NFL and reported that a family of four attending a football game this season will spend an average of $258.50 for tickets, refreshments, programs and parking.

A family of four who witnessed the Redskins’ collapse against the Cowboys dropped an average of $391.11--the most-expensive football experience in the league.

You can imagine how the NFL justifies such expenditures: No one says you have to have kids.

THE HONEYMOON’S OVER

Georgia Frontiere has gone through six, or is it seven, husbands, and now two cities.

Five years into her marriage with St. Louis, KMOV-TV had to buy 3,000 tickets to give the Rams a sellout and allow the team’s home opener to be shown locally.

That would have never happened in Los Angeles. No self-respecting TV station would have bought those tickets.

THAT’S ALL SHE WROTE

* Before halftime of their first game, the Jets’ season ended.

Jet receiver Keyshawn Johnson pounded the podium, saying, and the expletives are deleted here, “There’s nothing you can do. You can’t do anything. There’s nothing.”

Rick Mirer brings that out in people.

Mirer will probably quarterback the Jets--and isn’t that a scary image--since Vinny Testaverde was lost for the season with a ruptured Achilles’ tendon. A better idea might be to play Tom Tupa, who is both a quarterback and punter, so he could be on the field for all four offensive plays.

* When the opposition has three more turnovers than you have, NFL statistics show that you will triumph 91% of the time. Meet the exception to the rule in Kansas City. The Chiefs did not have a turnover, whereas the Bears surrendered the ball three times, and Kansas City could still not beat Chicago.

Shane Matthews, the living example of “Shane, come back,” after having been cut four times by the Bears, and handicapped parker Cade McNown outplayed Kansas City ace Elvis Grbac.

* Check out the Anaheim Angels’ lineup, and you have the football version in the Detroit Lions.

Matched against Mike Holmgren and the Seahawks in Seattle, this was as close to an NFL lock as you can get when the Chargers aren’t scheduled to lose. Playing without Barry Sanders and after losing top receiver Herman Moore with a knee injury, the Lions won when Germane Crowell caught seven passes for 141 yards and a pair of touchdowns.

Who needs Sanders when you have Crowell?

THERE’S NO CRYIN’ IN . . .

It’s not that it’s something new, or unexpected. Happens every year--sometimes every week. The Raiders just up and die, but it’s nothing to cry about.

The Redskins blew a 21-point lead, and so did the Eagles, but there was no blubbering in the Cowboys’ locker room or the Cardinals’.

But after sticking it to the Raiders with only 11 seconds remaining, Green Bay quarterback Brett Favre broke down in tears on the sideline. Getting traded to the Raiders, OK, one could understand such a reaction. But that wasn’t it.

His thumb had been injured, but anyone who has seen him get blasted during a game knows there is no one tougher playing the position.

But after adjourning to the postgame press conference, Favre lost it again.

Maybe Al Davis threatened him with a lawsuit.

“It probably was just complete and total exhaustion,” suggested Jeff Thomason, who caught Favre’s game-winning touchdown pass.

That could have been it--it usually doesn’t take that much of an effort to beat the Raiders.

TOUGH CROWD

Maybe they were angry after realizing they’d paid $292 million for a new stadium that seats 6,000 fewer than the stadium built for $283 million in Cleveland. Whatever, the fans in Nashville, who were witnessing the first regular-season game played in Adelphi Coliseum, were moved to boo the hometown quarterback, Steve McNair.

“I don’t know how they justified booing a player like that,” said Tennessee tight end Frank Wycheck.

Buy a PSL, Frank, and maybe you will understand.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

Dan Snyder paid $800 million for the Redskins and then fired the general manager because he offered differing opinions. Then Snyder lopped off another 20 or so employees just because he could. So how do you like the chances of defensive coordinator Mike Nolan making a career of it in Washington after the Cowboys rallied from 21 points down and scored without hassle in overtime to win?

Unless “the 13th Warrior” is a cornerback, he’s not going to save the 49ers.

If you want to beat Arizona, let Jake Plummer’s team get the lead. Plummer has now led the Cardinals to 10 comeback victories in 26 games. The 49ers took Jim Druckenmiller instead of Plummer.

DUCK!

Giant quarterback Kent Graham completed 12 of 23 passes for 91 yards--his longest completion traveling 12 yards. And he won.

The secret to Graham’s success? Women and children sitting close to the field might be in danger of being hit by errant throws but he never gave Tampa Bay’s defense a chance to intercept one of his passes.

Trent Dilfer, meanwhile, threw three to the opposition before being yanked in favor of Eric Zeier, who also threw a pass to the Giants to kill any comeback hopes of the Buccaneers.

“I’m not going to go and find a hole and climb in it,” Dilfer said. Given his aim, he’d miss anyway.

AND FINALLY

Cleveland’s only known celebrity, Drew Carey, took the microphone on the field before the game and told the crowd, “For everyone who’s told a Cleveland joke, laughed at a Cleveland joke or made up a Cleveland joke, you can all shut up.”

Then the Browns took the field, the best bunch of slapstick goof-offs since Moe, Larry and Curly, who probably grew up in Cleveland.