A New Day Dawns for Today’s Dads

I love kids--always have. Before my own came along, friends called me “Uncle Andy to the World.” So when my wife-to-be and I began discussions about having a family, I said, “If we decide to have one of us at home with the kids, I want it to be me.”

Ten years and two kids later, I’m an at-home dad and writer, and my wife works full time running a large employee-assistance program.

Lately, I’ve been meeting more men like me. Some got laid off right before the birth of their first child. Others felt that their income contributed less to their families than would their presence in the home. Many have chosen shift work, passing their children off to their wives on the way out the door. A few, like me, aspired to full-time dadhood.

About 207,000 men are primary-care providers for preschoolers and do not work outside the home, according to the latest report from the U.S Census Bureau. If you include families with older children and those choosing shift work in order to have one parent at home, the number of men serving as their kids’ primary caregiver might jump to 1 million. (At-home dad activists say there are 2 million men caring for young children.

Strictly speaking, that figure may be close, says Lynne Casper, a Census Bureau research analyst and demographer, but that includes any father who provides child care as little as a half an hour a week.

By contrast, about 16.7 million women in this country have preschool-age children, and almost 10 million work outside the home.)

At most, though, 5% of households with kids have at-home dads. And what is life like for that 5%? What are the advantages and disadvantages? Here, a report from the home front.

* PRO: “HE’S BECOME A GREAT DAD.”

Fathers usually find their new line of work tremendously rewarding. San Gabriel dad Garr Davidson, formerly an attorney and now at home with Catherine, 4, and Jane, 7, declares that “the benefits of an improved relationship with your kids far outweigh any of the negatives, like less money or the raised eyebrows from your old college buddies.”

Mothers agree--and feel these effects will linger for years. “Joe would have been a wonderful father anyway, but his emotional attachment to the children is much greater than it would have been if he’d never spent time at home with our firstborn,” says Lora Oberle, a Minnesota mother of three whose husband wrote a book, “Diary of a Mad Househusband” (Kimm Publishing), about his two years as a primary caregiver.

* CON: “WE GET A LOT OF WEIRD LOOKS.”

Families with at-home dads live with a social stigma. Joe Oberle, now back in the work world as a publication manager, remembers the constant question from his own father: “How’s the job search going?”

Many couples report that friends and family don’t understand that couples might actually choose this less-traveled path.

Most of the time, says Suzanne Davidson, Garr’s wife, “It just comes down to shocked looks”--or comments referring to at-home fathers as baby-sitter for the day or Mr. Mom.

“At its best, the Mr. Mom image is cute, shallow and misleading. At its worst, it is derogatory,” says Bruce Drobeck, a longtime at-home dad from Southlake, Texas.

The playground hierarchy is particularly tough. Since mothers talk primarily to mothers, and baby-sitters to baby-sitters, dads often talk to squirrels.

“A man has to be strong to stay home, let his wife bring home the bacon and put up with all the strange glances he gets when he takes his child for a walk in the park,” says Bernadette Maturo, a first vice president for human resources at Salomon Smith Barney in New York City. Her husband, Anthony, cares for their 6-year-old son while she works.

Being out of step with the cultural norms can become a nagging annoyance to moms, as well.

“I always felt as though I had to justify the arrangement,” says Stacey Traverse Roux, a financial analyst and mother of two from Champaign, Ill. “In my town, my husband, Michael, seemed to be the only stay-at-home dad.”

* PRO: “IT HAS IMPROVED OUR MARRIAGE.”

Lt. Col. Mary Kay Eisert-Wlodarczyk, a mother of four and an architect with the Air Force, credits her husband’s hands-on care of their four children with creating a closer bond in their marriage.

“We understand each other’s situation much more easily now,” she says.

* CON: “WE STILL ARGUE ABOUT HOUSEWORK.”

Inverting traditional roles does not switch all familial duties. The jobs men typically do around the house--maintenance, yardwork, garbage duty--often remain with the men.

But wives often feel their mates should do more. It’s a common source of friction, says Robert Frank, an adjunct professor at Loyola University in Chicago and author of the forthcoming book “The Involved Father” (Golden Books). One wife said, “My husband is so bad at cleaning, I wish I could fire him!”

* PRO: “WE NEVER WORRY ABOUT FINDING CHILD CARE.”

“We tried both working for a year, with a nanny and patchwork coverage for our son,” says Bernadette Maturo. “It just didn’t work for us since we live in the suburbs and both worked in the city. With the commute, it made for a very, very long day for all of us.”

* CON: “I’M JEALOUS OF HIS TIME WITH THE KIDS.”

Knowing Dad’s at home with the kids playing can grate on working moms.

“I feel cheated that I don’t get enough time with my children,” says Mary Kay Eisert-Wlodarczyk. “I’m always the one dragging my heels when it comes to an evening out or a vacation without them.”

For the Roux family, “We just fell into having Michael stay home,” Stacey Travers Roux says. “And then I became bitter and resentful.”

* THE FINAL RESULT? MEN FEEL THE WORK-FAMILY PULL.

The fathers who have stayed home with their children and then returned to work seem every bit as conflicted about work-family balance as mothers in the same boat.

“I just wish society were more flexible for women,” Lora Oberle says, “and for men. Maybe this arrangement is the start.”

Garr Davidson believes that years spent raising kids don’t cost men much professionally.

“Women probably have a harder time getting back to work after a break,” he says. “The mommy-track prejudice is still pretty active. But I could probably walk back into a job.”

“As more women get better jobs, more men will find it makes sense for them to stay home,” Suzanne Davidson, an attorney, believes. “The change in men’s roles is the result of the improvement of women’s success in the workplace.”

Working Mother magazine is distributed by Los Angeles Times Syndicate.