LAUGH LINES

Sneak Preview: “Movie theaters are considering going upscale. . . . They want to start serving things like prime rib dinners. How much is that gonna cost? . . . A box of Milk Duds is what--$17.50? How much is prime rib? $2,500?” (Jay Leno)

Batting Averages: “Major league baseball stated that the average player’s salary is $2 million a year. It barely made news. There was a time when $2 million would get you to third base with Darva Conger.” (Argus Hamilton)

What’s Shakin’: “Experts estimate huge quakes along the Hollywood-East L.A. fault could occur every 1,000 to 3,000 years. . . . Or whenever the Clippers make the playoffs--whichever comes first.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Cancel the Order: With the recent furor over Leonardo DiCaprio’s interview with President Clinton, “ABC has canceled a ‘Prime Time Live’ summit between the Pets.com sock puppet and Desmond Tutu.” (Jon Stewart)

Brain Power: “Uprima is a new anti-impotence drug that works on a man’s brain. The makers say the brain is the body’s most vital sexual organ. . . . Now men will be lying to women . . . about the size of their IQs.” (Hamilton)

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.