Dodger Apology Featured a Real Hidden Treasure

So I’m looking at my morning newspaper with the three pictures of the two lesbians, who are all happy after receiving a public apology from the Dodgers for being tossed out of the stadium for celebrating a Dodger home run with a kiss.

And I’m thinking to myself, there’s something wrong with this whole thing: I mean I’ve been married 27 years and have never kissed my wife after a Dodger home run.

But I go back to thinking about football, asking the lugs who work the Internet for us to dig up some factual information on the NFL, because how could you possibly write a story without facts?

An hour later they hadn’t found a thing, and I’m on the phone with a whispering voice: “One of the kissing lesbians is not who she says she is.”

Well, every newsperson is required to view “All The President’s Men,” so we’re all familiar with “Deep Throat,” and if a source wants to go unnamed--”you can use my name: Randy Murzynski,” the voice said. “I’m a concerned fan, and wondered if the Dodgers knew that the blond in the newspaper pictures that they gave money to in a settlement was porn star Nico Treasures?”

I asked if he could spell the star’s name, and he suggested I go to an adult video store, but as tough as it is to get reimbursed for parking here, I didn’t like my chances of trying to pass this one through on my expense account.

The guys who work the Internet for us, though, had her bio, her picture and a list of movies she had made on two computers side-by-side in less than a minute. They couldn’t find a thing on Brett Favre, but they were right on top of Nico Treasures.

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The obvious questions for Dodger President Bob Graziano, pictured smiling between the two lesbians in the newspaper, was what did he know and when did he know it? Had he seen “Raunch-O-Rama,” and would it have made any difference?

“I’ve not seen any of the movies,” Graziano said. “We didn’t look into their backgrounds, because we felt we wanted to send a strong message that everyone is welcome to Dodger Stadium and subject to equal treatment.”

Although someone had videotaped the kissing ruckus, no one seemed to think it would appear at any local theaters.

“This was no publicity stunt or anything else like that,” said the blond in the newspaper, saying she had stopped making movies as Treasures in 1997 or 1998. “My background is totally irrelevant to what’s going on. My lover or I could have been a former nun and it wouldn’t have mattered.”

I know I should have asked, because if there’s any chance her lover is a former nun, this becomes the Dodger story of the year.

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I MISSED THE Australian movie that had two drag queens and a transsexual driving a lavender bus through Australia’s Outback, although I’m sure the lugs who work the Internet for us didn’t, but no matter. I’m told now several drag queens will wear costumes from the movie, including a swell bright, frill-necked lizard outfit, as part of the closing ceremonies in the Olympics.

That ought to bring the curtain down.

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CONTINUING A THEME you might never have expected here, isn’t it time to embrace Georgia.

I mean just wrap your arms around the old gal.

Maybe even turn your cheek and let her lay a big smooch on you, Los Angeles--without noticeably wincing, even waiting until she’s walked away before wiping off the lipstick.

As we already know, if you are Madame Ram, you cannot have too many pairs of shoes, too many former husbands, and now add to that list, too many Lombardi Trophies. The Rams are going to win the Super Bowl again.

It’s one thing to carry a grudge, but she’s wearing a Super Bowl ring with 157 diamonds attached, and I’m pretty sure if you asked her what ring has meant the most to her in her long life, she’d probably raise her hand and point to her finger. She’s going to get another ring, and instead of kissing everyone off in L.A. in her acceptance speech, there’s time to cuddle here and make nice.

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BASED ON THE last two years when Atlanta, St. Louis and Tennessee arose from the dead to advance to the Super Bowl, the popular pick this year will be Washington or Tampa Bay in the NFC. But the Rams have the easiest schedule, which should put them at home under the dome for the first two playoff games, which will then send them to Tampa, Fla., for the Super Bowl.

Indianapolis and Tennessee will be the popular picks in the AFC, but Jacksonville, which will start the season limping, still has the best talent, and will play against the Rams. The Rams will win.

And then Georgia will go to the White House to have her picture taken kissing either Gore or Bush. I just better not get some whispering voice on the phone telling me to check out an adult web site.

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NOTHING LASTS FOREVER, just ask Anne Heche and Ellen DeGeneres and so Curtis Crayon’s march to match Zippy Chippy, the horse who ran 86 times without a win, has been stopped at 46.

Crayon, The Times’ victory-starved horse handicapper, who had picked nine winners in the last 213 races--going 46 in a row without a win--nailed not only the first race, but also the second for a daily-double payoff of $201.40.

While track experts filed the paperwork to certify this a miracle, Crayon proved it was a fluke in the third race, picking Cat Blade to win. Cat Blade ran fourth in a four-horse field, finishing 36 1/2 lengths behind the winner.

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FIRST COLLEGE PREDICTION: Hackett outcoaches Paterno and Trojans roll, 28-13. Can anything be more outlandish than what’s already in this column?

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TODAY’S LAST WORD comes in an e-mail from Chas:

“Since you brought up ‘Survivor,’ I’ve got to think you would be the perfect contestant. In fact, you would win hands down because it takes great talent to work four days a week writing a so-called sports column that’s mindless, pointless and rips everyone. And yet you survive the public criticism, continue to work and get a paycheck. You win.”

Send the $1 million, and I’m gone.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at his e-mail address: t.j.simers@latimes.com.