Here Are the Questions, and All the Answers Too

I thought about writing about Isaiah Rider, but he might know where I live.

I considered interviewing Kevin Malone to find out what’s wrong with the UCLA basketball program. But I’ve been advised he’s under strict orders from the Dodgers that if he’s going to say something stupid, not to say anything at all. So I’d have nothing to write down.

As soon as I typed the word hockey I lost interest.

Someone suggested a column on Tiger Woods, because he’s in town, but he couldn’t beat Sergio Garcia in the Battle at Bighorn and he’s already down three to the kid at Sherwood, and frankly, I’m tired of covering losers after spending so much time with the Bruins and Trojans this fall.

Paul Hackett, of course, still has a better chance of getting a return phone call from Steven Sample, so today I’ve decided to do a Q&A; with myself, focusing on the NFL, because as one Oakland Raider fan pointed out on the telephone the other day before hanging up: “You think you have all the answers.”

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QUESTION: HOW DO WE know that someone such as Raider defender Darrell Russell isn’t funding USC’s search for a new coach?

Answer: Because he says so. “As long as Garrett’s there, no cash from me,” he told a Bay Area newspaper. “He’s not looking out for anybody but himself.”

Q: WHY DO THE St. Louis Rams always wear plain gold pants?

A: I’m glad you asked. The Rams have white, gold and blue pants as part of their new uniform look, but Coach Mike Martz forbids his players to wear white and blue because he said, “They’ve got this little swashbuckler thing down the side, that stops at a point. It looks like you’re carrying some sort of sword. It’s the ugliest pants I’ve ever seen. . . . I think that’s what those pants are: cute, and I’m not going to wear cute. I’m sorry.”

One guess who probably designed them. . . .

Q: WAS NEW ORLEANS Saint Coach Jim Haslett shocked to beat the Rams after his team was penalized 17 times?

A: No. “Remember,” Haslett said. “I coached for the Raiders for two years.”

Q: DID YOU HAVE anything to do with the TradeCade.com Web site?

A: Yes. I called it up and laughed. But I’m not one of the 7,548 people to have signed the Trade Cade McNown petition since it appeared Nov. 10.

Q: IS HE GOING to survive in Chicago?

A: Is he any worse than Dennis Rodman? “The road is bumpy as hell, but my feelings for Cade McNown have never changed,” said Mark Hatley, the Bears’ vice president of player personnel. “I have a lot of confidence in him. I like the hell out of him, but he is a pain sometimes. . . . I wouldn’t give him an inch if it were me. You have to sit on him every day.”

You know, like a baby-sitter.

Q: WHAT’S THE FUNNIEST NFL story you’ve heard so far this year?

A: It happened last Sunday. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers’ Warren Sapp ran out of bounds on the Buffalo Bills’ side of the field, and while officials attended to injured quarterback Rob Johnson, Sapp tried to take a cup of water from the Bills’ table and was penalized for taunting.

“I look over and there’s this table full of about 90 waters and nobody wants any, so I say, ‘You know what, I’m just going to go get me a drink,’ ” Sapp said. After Sapp starting drinking, Buffalo’s Doug Flutie protested to referee Ed Hochuli, who flagged Sapp for inciting a riot.

Sapp then told Hochuli, “You’ll never get another drink in this stadium, I don’t care if it’s 120 degrees. I really don’t care, you’ll never ever drink any more Buccaneer water if I got anything to do with it. . . . I told him I will enforce this rule as long as I’m a Buccaneer.”

Q: HOW DO WE know that Al Davis isn’t really coaching the Raiders?

A: They are winning.

Q: COME ON?

A: The Raiders no longer go vertical. Last week, they had an 84-yard touchdown pass play--the first pass play of 50 yards or more to a wide receiver since Oct. 22, 1998. Amazing, but they are winning with a quarterback who has no arm.

Q: HOW’S THE CITY of Brotherly Love embracing Eagle quarterback Donovan McNabb?

A: Like Mike Schmidt in an 0-for-20 slump. The Philadelphia Daily News sent out a reporter to get opinions on McNabb’s sex appeal. Nearly 70% of the women rated McNabb as possessing average, below average or “OK” looks.

An 18-year-old clothing store clerk said, “He’s not cute, he’s not attractive. If he tried to talk to me, I wouldn’t respond.”

Q: HAVE YOU NOTICED how quiet Keyshawn Johnson has been?

A: Who? Oh, isn’t he that guy in Tampa?

“I could have gone to Seattle or Baltimore, or Washington,” Johnson said. “I could have caught a lot more balls. But I thought Tampa Bay was my best chance to get a ring that I could flash in the face of half the nation.”

Q: ANY CHANCE the defenseless Rams will successfully defend their title?

A: History says, forget it. The Los Angeles Raiders gave up 338 points in 1983--the most a Super Bowl champion has ever given up. The Rams’ defense has already surrendered 367, and is on pace to give up 489.

Q: SO WHO WINS the Super Bowl?

A: Rasmussen research conducted a Portrait of America telephone survey of 800 fans of professional football on Nov. 21, and Minnesota finished first, ahead of Tennessee, St. Louis and Oakland.

Trent Dilfer (Baltimore) and Aaron Brooks (New Orleans) got the Ralph Nader treatment, and didn’t get a mention in the top eight selections.

Q: WHY IS IT important the Raiders make it to the Super Bowl?

A: To see how many reporters request interviews with fullback Jon Ritchie’s dog, Hank.

“They say that petting a dog lowers your blood pressure and puts you in a state of deep relaxation,” Ritchie says. “So I give him a lot of attention. I buy him a lot of treats, like automated feeding dishes, pillows, blankets, plus this toy that not only squeaks but has microchips in it so you can record your message to your dog.”

Look for Hank’s picture and Super Bowl diary forthcoming in USA Today.

Q: ARE WE WATCHING an episode of “Touched by an Angel” every time we see the Saints play?

A: No other explanation.

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TODAY’S LAST WORD comes in an e-mail from Eric:

“I’m a Raider fan, and I really try to avoid reading you as often as I can.”

All anyone can really ask of you is that you try your best.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at his e-mail address:t.j.simers@latimes.com.