USC Getting Desperate, but Not That Desperate

Looking on the bright side of things, the Oregon Institute of Technology does not have a football program, and therefore does not have a coach to turn down the USC job.

These are desperate times, all right, but I’m sorry, I cannot comment on reports that USC Athletic Director Mike Garrett has offered me the job, although I will take the next few days to talk with my family, giving Sports Editor Bill Dwyre time to extend my contract and come up with a pay raise to keep me.

And forget about those rumors that won’t go away: I do not believe Garrett has called Paul Hackett asking him to coach the USC football team because he’s the only one willing to do so.

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IF IT’S NOT Hackett or me, this leaves Mike Riley, who looks like he has the most important qualification for the job: If there’s anyone in the country who doesn’t look like they are in the position of getting a contract extension and pay raise, it’s the guy coaching the 1-12 San Diego Chargers.

I guess you could say the same thing about Norv Turner, like Riley a former USC assistant coach, fired Monday by the Washington Redskins--who can tell you a thing or two about “How the Grinch Stole Christmas.”

Riley is 9-20 with the Chargers after going 8-14 at Oregon State, while Turner fell only 279 victories shy of matching Don Shula’s record as the NFL’s all-time winningest coach. Turner’s resume includes one playoff visit in six years, and an overall mark of 49-59-1.

“Conquest” has not been a part of either coach’s life recently.

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THE PROBLEM HERE, of course, is what is Garrett thinking. (No chuckling, please, we have it on good authority he does that.)

Garrett hasn’t told us much, like it’s a big secret: USC officials making overtures to Wisconsin’s Barry Alvarez and getting nowhere; USC making a contract offer to Oregon State’s Dennis Erickson and getting rejected by a Beaver; USC extending an offer to Oregon’s Mike Bellotti and getting rejected by a Duck.

Now if this is the Garrett of old, the emotional exploding firecracker who has just been spurned by a couple of guys from Oregon, school officials probably have him locked in a padded and soundproof office.

Let him out, he panics, and anyone is a possibility. Even if I’m Hackett, I stay by my phone. A week ago Garrett said he would not consider an offensive or defensive coordinator for the post, but we are getting to the point where they may be the only ones left who have yet to turn him down.

Reports have Garrett interviewing former New England Patriot coach Pete Carroll this week, so this will allow him to fill out his time card and make President Steven Sample think he’s doing something.

No, the telltale sign this week will be if Garrett can remain patient--biding his time as the NFL season unfolds further. If he does, it’s time for Trojan fans to start becoming familiar again with Riley, the recruiter who built the foundation for Erickson at Oregon State.

You can start the search today, take as much time as you wish, but you will find no one who does not like Riley. I cannot imagine him walking into the living room of any recruit, and a parent letting him leave without signing his son’s entire life over to him and giving him the family’s secret meatloaf recipe.

As for X’s and O’s, he has been a head coach in the World League, the Canadian Football League, in the Pacific 10 Conference and the NFL. He has survived Ryan Leaf, which should make life with Garrett a walk in the park.

He inherited the Chargers’ defensive staff, which demonstrates his flexibility, and despite the team’s record, the local media has remained in his corner--a remarkable feat given the organization’s poor standing in the community.

Now I don’t want to sound as if I’m rejecting the job before I talk to Dwyre and he pays me more, but if not me, I’d say Riley’s the guy for USC.

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THIS IS FOR Oakland Raider quarterback Rich Gannon: Now count after me, one, two, three, four--good. Again, one, two, three, four--by George, I think you got it.

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I WOULD UNDERSTAND if it was pro wrestling, but hockey? The King-Duck game in the Anaheim Pond on Sunday outdrew the UCLA-USC Wooden Classic doubleheader a day earlier in the same place, 17,174 to 15,286.

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AFTER WATCHING OKLAHOMA’S Josh Heupel throw, the Heisman Trophy vote here goes overwhelmingly to Florida State’s Chris Weinke.

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JUST THINK IF he played for the Chargers. After the Atlanta Falcons lost to the Seattle Seahawks, Atlanta wide receiver Terance Mathis said, “It’s almost like you want to go in a cave, or crawl in a ball and cry.”

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TOLEDO FINISHED 10-1 and can’t figure out why it hasn’t been invited to play in a bowl game. It’s hard to threaten to pull out of the BCS when the BCS doesn’t know you exist.

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A LIVING EXAMPLE that life isn’t fair: Phil Jackson spends most of his career coaching teams that have players such as Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, Kobe Bryant and Shaquille O’Neal.

Michael Bankston gets drafted by the Arizona Cardinals, plays six years, and then goes to the Cincinnati Bengals, and nine years into the game, he has yet to play for a team with a winning record.

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THE DOOMSDAY DEFENSE still belongs to the Dallas Cowboys: If you have a good runner, the Cowboys are doomed. Dallas ranks last in the league stopping the run, the first team in NFL history to allow three runners to gain more than 200 yards, and now it must worry about keeping Emmitt Smith happy. He’d like the chance to run through the Cowboys like everyone else.

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TODAY’S LAST WORD comes in an e-mail from Dodgrdog:

“The gibberish I hear from my 1-year-old makes more sense than the garbage you put in your column every day.”

You should be so proud--you have a columnist in the making.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at his e-mail address: t.j.simers@latimes.com