The Most Reliable Thing Is Another Garrett Mess

I’ve been reading the newspapers in town the past few days, and I never realized there were that many sources out there. Funny thing too, they are all described as reliable, but they don’t agree on much.

The latest from USC: Sources now have Hayden Fry returning to coach.

We have all these sources because we have Mike Garrett, aka, the Great Communicator, orchestrating this coaching search which has now become this coaching mess--the Trojans’ best hope being someone who is 1-12 on the job.

You know Garrett better than I do, of course, so you saw this coming.

The last time Garrett went through one of these football coaching changes, I’m told he made a fool of himself, leaving his reputation as an administrator in a shambles.

For a few weeks, I had a different experience. In an odd way, I could have even made the case that the hiring of Paul Hackett had allowed Garrett to regain some administrative dignity, if not credibility in the calm and supportive manner in which he had conducted business before Hackett’s dismissal.

He not only handled Hackett’s firing with as much class as one can under such circumstances, but then gave a first-class performance with the media in outlining his search for a successor.

Then he returned to form, willing to let stubbornness and arrogance rule the day--Garbo not wanting to be disturbed even when the USC message that is now being sent across the country is one of confusion, if not desperation.

Sources talk for him now, and while most of us know they are administrators in his department, he hasn’t done a good job as Deep Throat coordinator.

Sources have him shopping for a present for Sonny Lubbick’s 64th birthday. Sources say he’s with Pete Carroll. If sources have him going much further down the list, he will be knocking on John Robinson’s door.

People are laughing at USC, the football program that fashions itself a national championship contender, and it can’t even get anyone to coach the team.

It’s all perception, of course, something near and dear to alumni, recruits and fans--as important as the ultimate hire, especially if its a guy with 12 losses on his resume. That’s why this mess is Garrett’s fault, abdicating his role as athletic department spokesman to sources who have everyone coming and going at the same time. At least they are reliable sources.

*

AS FAR AS I know, they didn’t give him an airplane or even a limo, but I’m struggling with this “Dodgers sign Andy Ashby for $22.5 million” story.

What if Ashby had won 13 games last year instead of 12--would they have given him $25 million? What if he had won more games than he had lost--would they have given him part ownership of Dodger Stadium? What if he was really good--would he still be in Philadelphia or Atlanta?

*

I LISTENED TO Ashby on Wednesday on a conference call with Dodger General Manager Kevin Malone, and I could not understand why he was so cozy with the guy, and then it dawned on me, I might fawn over someone no one else talks to, too, if he had just approved a deal to give me $22.5 million just because I’m very good at being mediocre.

Now you can’t tell over a telephone, of course, if a guy is trying not to laugh or making a funny face as he says, I came to the Dodgers because of the “things Kevin and them have been doing to better the team.”

From what I can tell, the only thing that “Kevin and them” have done to better the team is sign Ashby, and this is Ashby talking, who has just signed for $22.5 million Dodger bucks, which might make him a little biased.

So I asked the newest Dodger, what has “Kevin and them” done to better the team, and Ashby basically said, the Dodgers have signed him.

I would have persisted, but the call was being monitored by the Dodgers’ vice president in charge of not-letting-Malone-talk-too-much-and-

put-his-foot-in-his-mouth--a full-time job with lots of overtime. The VP had already chastised someone who wanted to ask two questions about Darren Dreifort.

I mean there’s only so much you can ask about Andy Ashby when you really don’t care about Andy Ashby, but Derrick Hall said, “Guys, this is about Andy Ashby . . . the answer has already been given on Dreifort.”

I think it was understood that if I asked about Dreifort again, those closest and dearest to me could expect a visit from Kevin Brown.

*

NEIL WACHS AND his nine-year-old son, Cameron, arrived early for the Lakers game with the 76ers and ran into Allen Iverson. Cameron asked to take Iverson’s picture, but Iverson did him one better--flipping him a basketball.

What a relief--I expected him to tell me Iverson pulled out a gun.

After Iverson left, Staples Center security, which had witnessed the exchange, asked for the ball back because it wasn’t Iverson’s to give away. Tell that to a nine-year-old kid who just had the athletic moment of his life.

Dad stood his ground and this prompted officials to huddle and come up with a solution: The kid keeps the ball, and the 76ers get charged for it.

*

SOURCES SAY REDSKINS’ owner Daniel Snyder’s wish list for a new coach includes, Steve Spurrier, Bill Parcells, Jimmy Johnson and George Halas.

I would not rule out the possibility of Snyder telling one of his minions to bring Halas back from the beyond, or “you’re fired.”

*

TODAY’S LAST WORD comes in an e-mail from Chris Gobrecht:

“(I don’t know if it was) ignorance, bias or sexism that made you say something stupid. There’s no double standard when it comes to the L.A. media and women athletes. You pay little attention or no attention when we’re good so why should people be aware of the Bruins’ difficulties now. I’m the Trojan (women’s basketball) coach. Get a clue, T.J.”

Got it--I wasn’t aware USC had a women’s basketball team.

*

T.J. Simers can be reached at his e-mail address:t.j.simers@latimes.com.