The State of the Union on Dubya’s Big Day

It’s morning in America--inaugural morning. Where exactly will the main players in the weirdest political drama in U.S. history be on Jan. 20?

We consulted our usual gang of crack telephone psychics, Tarot card readers and phrenologists to find out.

George W. Bush is sworn in as 43rd president of the United States, offering this interpretation of the traditional oath of office: “I do Solomonly swear that I will tastefully execute the office of Pepsodent of the United Steaks.”

“Close enough,” says Chief Justice William H. Rehnquist.

Al Gore attends the inaugural ceremony incognito. But his cover is blown when he gets into a heated argument with a hot dog vendor about correct change. According to eyewitnesses, the former presidential candidate threatens the vendor with enough lawsuits “to choke a pig” in venues that include, but are not limited to, the U.S. Supreme Court, the United Nations and the Interplanetary Council on Star Base 4.

Dick Cheney is resting comfortably at Walter Reed Army Medical Center in Washington where he is recovering from his third heart “episode” in as many days. After taking the oath of office, he gets a well-deserved sponge bath from Trent Lott and Jesse Helms.

Continuing to break barriers, Joseph Lieberman retires from the Senate to become the first Orthodox Jewish animal tamer. He joins the newly formed Las Vegas act of Siegfried, Roy and Lieberman. The act’s finale occurs when Lieberman sticks his head into the jaws of U.S. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia.

In a last-ditch effort to undermine Bush’s victory, Gore attorney David Boies dusts off tactics from his successful Microsoft monopoly lawsuit to break up Republican control of Washington. He sues to split the GOP into two parties, the “Repu” Party and the “Blican” Party.

The seven justices of the Florida Supreme Court debut on “The Hollywood Squares,” substituting for Whoopi Goldberg in the center square. The justices are a big hit, but their answers are frequently overruled by the show’s judges.

Katherine Harris unveils her new line of cosmetics at Wal-Mart. Her makeup is packaged in convenient jumbo (5-pound) and super-jumbo (10-pound) sizes. All sales become final once certified.

Jeb Bush gets so hammered at the Inaugural Ball that he slow dances with Strom Thurmond. The younger Bush is eventually shown the door by the Secret Service after loudly comparing his SAT scores with his older brother’s. “Mommy promised I could be president first!”

Janet Reno and her secret SWAT team await the “go” signal inside a black minivan parked near the White House. Her plan, code-named “D-Day for Dubya,” is to extract the new president from the Oval Office and reunite him with his parents in Kennebunkport, Maine.

Dan Rather confesses to a national television audience that he’s “happier than Robert Downey Jr. at a medical marijuana rally.” The CBS anchor becomes almost weepy as he praises yet another peaceful transition of power. “I’m like a kitten on catnip and twice as squirrelly,” Rather confides to President Bush, who then has the veteran broadcaster arrested.

Warren Christopher, his legal practice in shambles after the Florida Democratic debacle, opts for a new career--as a clown. “My natural mirth and good humor are contagious,” says the former secretary of state.

Disillusioned by the failure of legal action to propel Gore to victory, campaign manager Bill Daley vows to win future presidential contests “the old-fashioned way, by having dead people vote, like my daddy did in 1960.”

Judge Sanders Sauls replaces Judge Judy but is quickly canceled after routinely taking 27 minutes to render each verdict--leaving only three minutes for commercials and testimony. Sauls later promotes himself to colonel and opens a chain of fried-chicken restaurants.

Chad, represented by the William Morris Agency, announces a three-picture deal with DreamWorks to star in the following films: “Chaddyshack,” “Chadzilla,” and “Chad on a Hot Tin Roof.”

Cashing in on their moment in the limelight, the U.S. Supreme Court votes 5 to 4 to rename itself the Taco Bell Burrito Supreme Court. In a blistering dissent, Justice John Paul Stevens criticizes the court for its “rank opportunism” and laments the chance to have a name “with some dignity and class--like Diana Ross and the Supreme Court.”

The State of Florida, tired of being ridiculed on late-night talk shows, officially merges with Georgia.