Some Musical Mishaps for the Holiday Season

One of the exquisite joys of the holiday season is listening to bad Christmas music, and this year there is again no shortage of stuff that will pin your ears to the wall.

First of all, it’s my sad duty to announce that Ally McBeal actually has a Christmas album out now called “A Very Ally Christmas.”

Technically, of course, Ally McBeal does not really exist, as she is merely an irritating character on an even more irritating Fox TV show.

But Calista Flockhart, the extremely thin woman who plays Ally, does exist. Unfortunately, she felt compelled to sing on this CD, delivering a thin, reedy rendition of “Santa Baby” that suggests Minnie Mouse in a negligee, trying to sound sexy.

Now, close your eyes for a second. Imagine you’re the producer of the Ally McBeal Christmas album. And you’re looking around for someone associated with the show to sing the poignant, mellifluous “White Christmas.”

Your logical choice would be. . . .

Right, Robert Downey Jr.

Downey, of course, recently took a brief, unplanned leave from the show when he was arrested on suspicion of possessing cocaine and amphetamines.

About the only thing Downey didn’t possess, evidently, was a singing voice, since he all but croaks his way through this holiday standard.

Wisely, so as not to depress sales altogether, the CD producers teamed Downey with an actual professional singer, “Ally McBeal” regular Vonda Shepard.

Discovering an Ally McBeal Christmas album was alarming enough, of course, and then I came upon something even more alarming: Talk show diva Rosie O’Donnell has a Christmas CD out called--where do they come up with these titles?--”A Rosie Christmas.”

Rosie teams with some heavyweight artists, though, among them Cher, Celine Dion, Billy Joel and Elton John.

Rosie, it will surprise you to learn, is no Barbra Streisand behind the microphone, although she has a pleasant-enough voice.

What’s truly jarring about this CD, though, is the juxtaposition of artists. After pairing with Celine Dion, Cher, Trisha Yearwood, Billy Joel and ‘N Sync in the first five songs, Rosie belts out “Do You Hear What I Hear?” with--ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for internationally acclaimed recording artist Elmo from “Sesame Street”!

If the Ally McBeal and Rosie CDs don’t do it for you--and this would show a certain clarity of thinking on your part--try getting in the holiday spirit with “Superstar Christmas,” which actually turns out to be pretty decent.

What I like about this CD is that the “superstars” in question aren’t necessarily superstars who are alive.

John Lennon and Yoko Ono, for instance, lead off the album with “Happy Xmas (War is Over),” which I’ve always liked since it was recorded way back in 1969.

Two tunes later, here comes the Chairman of the Board himself, Mr. Francis Albert Sinatra, with a swingin’ version of “Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow.”

That’s about it for dead superstars, though. Getting back to superstars who actually have a pulse, my favorite tune is a live version of “Merry Christmas Baby” by Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band.