‘Windows 2000,’ the Free Edition
It’s time for “Windows 2000,” a review of the offbeat from the past year in the Southland:
YOU ARE ENTERING THE TWILIGHT ZONE: In October, the pilot of an American Airlines jet said that takeoff from LAX would be delayed because an ashtray was missing from the bathroom. A spokesman later explained that though smoking is forbidden on board, the ashtray is stationed in the lavatory to prevent stealth puffers from throwing their discards into a trash container and starting a fire.
WERE THERE OREO CRUMBS IN THE SEWING BOX? The Los Alamitos News-Enterprise said that a “woman reported the theft of her embroidery thread and suspected her granddaughter was the perpetrator.”
BUT WHO’S COUNTING? Michael Burkhart of San Diego heard a radio talk show host say, “I want to know how my children would be affected if I get breast augmentation. I have three of them.”
D-U-M-B: The LAPD’s 911 emergency line was clogged with numerous inappropriate calls, including those from:
* A 34-year-old man who said his parents had divorced and moved back to Asia, leaving him behind.
* A woman who wanted the Fire Department to retrieve her wig from her apartment roof, where she said it had been thrown by robbers.
* A man who said his manager had deliberately allowed a rat into his apartment and added that the rat was “really scared.”
BREAKTHROUGHS: It was a year that saw a new variety of duck developed (see photo) as well as the elimination of some odoriferous professionals (see accompanying).
DARING AD CAMPAIGN: One restaurant didn’t mind saying that most everyone could do without its food (see accompanying).
REGIS COULDN’T HELP EITHER: During a deposition in a civil suit, a witness tried to have a colleague help him answer a question and was told that was not allowed.
Witness: It’s not like “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?”
Attorney: No, it’s not.
Witness: OK.
Attorney: It’s not a lifeline.
FORBIDDEN WORD LIST: My colleague Raoul Ranoa came upon a carefully worded sign in a shop that sells, uh, smokers’ accessories in Newport Beach, of all places (see photo).
COINCIDENCE I’M SURE: A Pfizer patient survey listed a phone number for what turned out to be a porno line with a recording that began: “You like your women hot. . . .”
An innocent mistake, although Pfizer is the maker of Viagra.
BUMMER! The surfline.com report for Huntington Beach warned one June day: “This might very well be the smallest surf day of the year. I think it would be time for a human sacrifice.”
SPEAKING OF SACRIFICES: A man who wrote to San Juan Capistrano-based Surfer magazine about the problem of “shrinkage” of body parts was assured by a urology professor that “there is no evidence that cold water adversely affects reproductive organs.”
SPEAK NOT! Big Bear’s Grizzly newspaper reported that an officer responded to a barking dog complaint at a residence and noted, “Owner not home, dog advised.”
NO WONDER O.J. WAS IN A LOW-SPEED CHASE: Among the vehicles involved in the Firestone tire recall was the 1994 Ford Bronco.
NOT A TUMMY TUCK? After a famous TV host had heart bypass surgery, a man in a Newport Beach restaurant was overheard saying, “Well, David Letterman had the BIG surgery today.” A woman at that table responded, “He had a face lift?”
DON’T TELL MICHAEL EISNER: A man who was asked by a Bakersfield TV newsman what he thought of Einstein topping one “Person of the Century” list replied that the honor was well deserved. Asked why, he replied, “He owns Disney.”
HOW INSPIRING WERE THE 2000 OFFICE-SEEKERS? Sally Metzger of Hacienda Heights noticed that a gardening shop posted this ad in November: “Election Special . . . Free Manure.”
