Postmodern to Classic Valentine Tapes

If your significant other eschews gooey chocolates and gooier romances, you may opt for these alternative audio romances as a gift this Valentine’s Day.

Douglas Coupland, the author of such breezy comic novels as “Generation X” and “Microserfs,” tries his hand at retelling a literary chestnut with “Miss Wyoming.” He tacks a postmodern spin on his version of that old story in which boy meets girl, loses girl and finds girl again. (Brilliance Audio; unabridged fiction; six cassettes; eight hours; $29.95; read by Sharon Williams and Aaron Frye. Also available abridged; four cassettes; six hours; $24.95; read by Williams and Frye.)

Though only 27, Susan Colgate is a has-been of immense proportions. A former beauty queen, child star, rock ‘n’ roll wife and airplane crash survivor, she is now known for her grade-B movies and former fame. At 37, John Johnson is a producer of mindless action flicks who hopes to jump-start his career after a mental breakdown. These two Tinseltown burnouts meet and realize they are meant for one another. But when Susan disappears mysteriously, John finds himself caught up in a crazy quest to find her.

As John and Susan move closer to their own version of a Hollywood happy ending, Coupland unveils their histories while detailing the inanity of pop culture. His minor characters are colorful and eccentric and intriguing. However, his descriptions and similes, which are often dreadful enough when read, become even more exaggerated when heard aloud. For example: “John felt as close to Susan as paint to a wall.”

The publisher was wise to employ two narrators, as the story frequently switches its point of view from Susan to John.

Williams is a more memorable reader than Frye. Neither has a particularly noteworthy voice, but Williams has a knack for accents and changes her voice perceptively for different characters. She ably picks up on the novel’s humor. For most of his performance, Frye is serviceable, although nothing more.

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If true-life romance and uninhibited sexual chatter is more to your partner’s taste, pick up a copy of Courtney Weaver’s first audiobook, “Unzipped.” (Brilliance Audio; unabridged fiction; six cassettes; nine hours; $29.95; read by Susan Ericksen. Also available abridged; two tapes; three hours; $17.95; read by Ericksen.) Weaver, who penned a column called “Unzipped” for Salon magazine, writes here candidly about her sex life and those of her friends. However, this is never as cutting edge or as humorous as one would hope.

The players include Harriet, who slavishly follows that 1950s-style handbook “The Rules,” which offers women manipulative tips on landing a man. Jemma walks out of a seemingly perfect marriage to become a masochist sex slave. Marie, a hairstylist who stops sleeping with her husband during her pregnancy, finds herself filing for divorce when he cheats on her. Of all these women, the rather self-involved Weaver has the least exciting love life.

Weaver’s writing style, which may have been perfectly acceptable in smaller doses, sounds padded. There are too many inane and pointless descriptions of her surroundings. Also, she has the jarring habit of switching from first- to third-person narrative.

Be thankful that narrator Ericksen has an array of British accents at her disposal. Many of Weaver’s pals are Brits, which gives us a chance to hear what women across the Pond say about sex. Ericksen manages a decent Texas accent, though she can be heard to lose it once or twice during conversation.

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Those of you who prefer a more traditional approach to Valentine’s Day may opt for the classical poetry found in “The Complete Shakespeare Sonnets,” by William Shakespeare. (Airplay; unabridged poetry; two CDs; two hours; $25; read by 21 well-known actors, including Kathleen Turner, Al Pacino, Ruby Dee and Patrick Stewart. Also available on two cassettes; two hours; $20.)

This amazing collection of talent rarely disappoints. Music is appropriate to the period and used with a light touch. Produced and introduced by Kathleen Turner, it is a classy package with several standout performances. Though it is a personal bias, I found the British performers to be quite a treat, as the language seems to flow more readily from their classically trained tongues.

There are only a few weak readings; Brian Dennehy is a bit lifeless and Denise Dumont’s French accent gets in the way. Brian Stokes Mitchell is over the top, sounding angry instead of dramatic. There is also a strange rendition of Sonnet 18 (“Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?”) by Pacino. A grating reverberation accompanies his overly dramatic stage whisper.

These problems are minor, however, when compared to the overall collection. The CDs (though not the cassettes) include a booklet with the complete text of all 154 poems. As with all Airplay audios, a percentage of each sale is donated to charity, in this case to Planned Parenthood.