Hey, Baby, Wanna Read My Bible?
The Greatest Pickup Lines Ever Told: Some people think the Bible is irrelevant and outdated, possibly because they’ve seen too many televangelist hairdos.
They are fools. Not only does the Bible contain timeless truths about God and morality, it also has some of the greatest pickup lines ever written.
For instance, the Song of Songs offers at least six divinely inspired lines that are sure to make people in singles bars swoon:
* Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mt. Gilead.
* Your teeth are as white as a sheep, newly shorn and washed. They are perfectly matched, and not one is missing.
* I liken you, darling, to a mare harnessed to one of Pharaoh’s chariots.
* Your nose is like the tower of Lebanon, which faces toward Damascus.
* Your temples are like a slice of pomegranate.
* You are tall and slim like a palm tree, and your breasts are like clusters of fruit. I will climb the tree and take hold of its fruit. (This was later adapted by the Steve Miller Band to: “Really love your peaches, want to shake your tree.”)
Alarming Trends Bureau: A “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” board game is due in stores March 1.
Loquacious Appliances Bureau: General Electric is developing a stove that people can talk to. If all goes well, it may even be smart enough to play the home version of “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.”
Close Encounters of the Crunch Kind: We couldn’t fit all the winners of Off-Kilter’s Cap’n Crunch contest into Friday’s column, so we saved the first-place entry for today. Dara Monahan of Studio City explained Crunch’s disappearance with “The Ballad of Horatio Crunch,” sung to the tune of “The Beverly Hillbillies” theme:
Come and listen to a story
‘bout a Cap’n named Crunch
He made a yummy cereal for breakfast (or for lunch)
And then one day he was feeling mighty fine
But he showed up on his box as just an outline.
(Gone, that is, moved. Left no forwarding address.)
Well, the next thing you know
someone called the Coast Guard
Started searchin’ for the Cap’n
but it shouldn’t be too hard
He’s only got eight fingers; he’s an animated chap
And he’s got two bushy eyebrows
growing out of his cap.
(Brows, that is, bushy ones. Right below the “C.”)
I’ve got my own theory ‘bout the disappearing seaman
I’m thoroughly convinced
it involves the Cereal Demon
The guy who killed King Vitaman,
along with Quisp and Quake
Tried to off our hardy Cap’n, but he made a mistake.
(Error, that is, faux pas. Boo-boo.)
Well, the Cap’n made mincemeat out of his evil foe
The villain didn’t realize the Cap’n knew Tae-Bo
He kicked and punched that bad guy,
but it wasn’t without pain
He is now in Cedars-Sinai with a nasty back sprain.
(Sprain, that is, senior citizen. Not always spry.)
So hang on in there, friends, ‘cause the Cap’n’ll be back
It’s just that at the moment he is lyin’ on his back
So get your favorite bowl out and polish up your spoon
Cap’n Horatio Crunch is gonna sail back soon!
Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Wanna Live to 100? Raise Worms!” (Weekly World News)
Unpaid Informants: Wireless Flash News Service, Cody Jones, Ann Harrison, PR Newswire, the San Francisco Chronicle, Elizabeth Medina. E-mail Off-Kilter at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.