Quiz Shows and $64 Questions

Who will be the winner as our major American television networks continue their all-out battle to see which of them can bring us the worst quiz show of all time?

Join us in the coming weeks, won’t you, for . . .

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Who Wants to Murder a Millionaire?

Sundays, 9 p.m.

Which of 12 lucky contestants will win a chance to beat up a wealthy, obnoxious know-it-all? Each week, members of the studio audience will be selected at random for a shot at that night’s unlucky millionaire. From a choice of “punching,” “pounding” or “stomping,” the winning audience member will be given 30 seconds to pulverize a rich guy.

Lifelines will include Band-Aids, blood donors and doctors standing by, in case at any time a guest millionaire seems dangerously close to dropping dead. Network employees, truck drivers, martial arts instructors and individuals with suspected Mob ties are ineligible.

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Who Wants to Marry Some Old TV Host?

Wednesdays, 8 p.m.

Join 50 women of varying intelligence, one from each of our 50 states, as they vie for the right to marry the attractive (if slightly mature) host of a quiz show! Regis Philbin, Dick Clark, Maury Povich, Chuck Woolery and Jay Thomas are just a few of the veteran TV masters of ceremonies who will respond to a series of questions and model Speedo swimwear while the 50 contestants get a load of their qualifications for marriage.

The wedding ceremony and the first 60 seconds of the actual honeymoon will be featured at the conclusion of each week’s show, with commentary by contributing co-hosts Bob and Elizabeth Dole.

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Who Wants to Eat a Million Clams?

Fridays, 7:30 p.m.

How much money would you be willing to swallow? That’s what host George Foreman will be finding out each week as hungry contestants compete to eat mounds of genuine U.S. currency. Hands behind their backs, blindfolded, players will be led to the Trough of Dough to see which one can pig out on the most $10, $20 and $100 bills and occasional small coins.

A simple medical procedure should enable each game’s champion to recover his or her winnings from the human digestive tract. If not, those are the breaks! That’s the risk you’ll take on each and every episode of “Who Wants to Eat a Million Clams?”

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Who Wants to Hear a Hard Question?

Weeknights, 7 to 10.

Three hours a night, seven days a week, it’s quiz-show excitement the likes of which you have never before seen on TV. Questions that any idiot can’t answer. No multiple choice. No help from the audience. No asking a friend. No true or false. You actually have to know the answer to a difficult question yourself!

Don’t miss Nobel Prize-winning co-hosts Henry Kissinger and Toni Morrison as they grill challengers with yes-brainer questions that do not include the jingles of products sold on TV commercials, the chronological sequence of Woody Allen movies or the correct placement of New York, Illinois, Colorado and California from east to west. Contestants will be expected to know history prior to 1990, do math, maybe even spell.

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Who Wants to Play Against a Chimpanzee?

Saturdays, 8:30 p.m.

Live each week from Las Vegas, a total of 50 men judged on poise, beauty and style will be given a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to compete against a member of an ape family for the right to marry a female multimillionaire. (Note: Multimillionaires accepting a chance to marry one of these 50 men must also willingly accept--in writing--the risk of possibly having to marry the ape.)

Hosted by famous animal trainer Roy, partner of Siegfried, each program will pit 50 would-be grooms against a chimp, orangutan, gorilla or gibbon for a chance at true happiness. One of these lucky mammals will be picked by a panel of experts as the one who most deserves to marry a total stranger on live TV, based on a point system of 1 through 10 for the men, 1 through 5 for the monkeys.

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Who Wants to Hear Your Life Story?

Mondays, 8 p.m.

In a radical concept unprecedented on network TV, no guest on “Who Wants to Hear Your Life Story?” will be permitted to tell a single detail of his or her personal life. Immediate disqualification will result for any contestants who reveal their hometowns, occupations, children’s names or ages, stories involving their relatives or plans for how they intend to spend their prize money if they win.

Contestants who wish to discuss their private lives are welcome to do so privately, as soon as they are off television. On each game show, they will be under direct orders to just sit there, shut up and play the game.

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Mike Downey’s column appears Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Write to him at Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053. E-mail: mike.downey@latimes.com.