Soothsayer Says Nothing Soothing About County

The heretics are dead, imprisoned, exiled. Red hail, water, blood and corpses cover the earth . . . .

Uncanny, is it not, that Nostradamus, the famous seer of the 16th century, could so accurately predict the $18-million mental health debacle in Ventura County some 4 1/2 centuries before it occurred?

Yet it’s true--and now that we’ve finally made it into the new millennium, we ought to dust off this brilliant man’s many other astonishing Ventura County prophecies. You will be amazed at how close they come to describing exactly what has gone on here in the years leading to this first Sunday of the new millennium--and the horrors they foretell in the years to come.

I can hear you asking: Why haven’t I heard this before? Why haven’t scholars pointed out how deeply interested Nostradamus was in Ventura County?

All I can tell you is that some people are awfully parochial. The “scholars” have interpreted Nostradamus as saying the sooth about Washington, Moscow, New York, Rome, Baghdad, Jerusalem, everywhere but Ventura County! Los Angeles girded for May 10, 1988, the day Nostradamus foresaw the Big One. But not a word about Ventura County from these so-called scholars.

Instead, they’ve spent years wondering how Nostradamus appeared to predict the great fire that destroyed London in 1666 . . . the atrocities of an evil German dictator named ‘Hister’ . . . the assassination of John F. Kennedy . . . the fall of the Soviet Union . . . even the Monica Lewinsky affair.

And, oh yes, the end of the world in 2000. But more of that later: The larger issue is how the entire psychic-research community has so vigorously overlooked the obvious when it comes to interpreting the anagrams, clever codes and elaborate riddles in which Nostradamus wrote.

For instance: “Their forefathers will emerge from the depths of hell lamenting the death of the fruit of their line . . . .”

Standard interpretation: French kings whining.

Accurate interpretation: Nostradamus ingeniously wrote “fruit of their line” when he obviously meant Fruit of the Loom, the underwear manufacturer that happened to file for bankruptcy (death) just two days before the new millennium!

With that metaphor of failed merchandising in mind, you can easily see what Nostradamus was really forecasting--the hellish “mall war” in which Ventura stole the anchor stores from Oxnard’s Esplanade shopping center. Brilliant!

If you’re skeptical, I can’t blame you. But remember: Nostradamus had to be obscure, fearing torture at the hands of the authorities. In agony over hot coals, he couldn’t possibly have explained the true meaning of this prophecy:

“Divided by two heads and three arms, the great city will be troubled by water . . . .”

Standard interpretation: The fractured city is Jerusalem. The water is a flood.

Accurate interpretation: This one could scarcely be clearer, when you think of Nostradamus’ penchant for scrambling letters to mask his meaning. Consider: THOUSAND OAKS. Rearranged, the letters spell: SOAK AND SHOUT!

Get it? “Troubled by water?” Have you forgotten that the feds are still investigating Thousand Oaks for that 87-million gallon sewage spill just two years before the new millennium?

As for “two heads and three arms,” I’m not sure. But you might ask around in the labs over at Amgen.

Naturally, there are still many questions about some of Nostradamus’ more cryptic Ventura County predictions. For instance:

“Among many people deported to the islands will be a man born with two teeth in his throat . . . .”

By now, I don’t have to tell you that the “islands” are the Channel Islands and the “two teeth” represent the county’s worst traffic nightmare: the intersection of highways 23 and 101. But “deported”? Who knows what that crazy Nostradamus was up to with this one?

Nostradamus was obsessed with the Apocalypse, but at least one of his more horrific visions has been grossly misunderstood:

“In the year 1999 and seven months, from the sky will come a great King of Terror . . . .”

Standard interpretation: War.

Accurate interpretation: Ventura County Fair. Last July--the seventh month of 1999--they were setting up the rides, including, if I’m not mistaken, something that could well have been named, “the King of Terror”!

As for the end of the world, it’s either this year or in 3797, depending on which Nostradamus scholar you choose. In either case, there will be flame, ash, sulfur fumes, blood, starvation, screams, poisoned wells, evil kings and all of Nostradamus’ other standard props. It will be something to see, right here in Ventura County.

Steve Chawkins can be reached at 653-7561 or by e-mail at steve.chawkins@latimes.com.