LAUGH LINES

Pit Stop: “I was watching these celebrations all around the world. . . . Did they have 2 million people in Times Square--did you see that? I guess the city places hundreds and hundreds of portable toilets for people, you know, who couldn’t hold it until they got down to the subway.” (Jay Leno)

About Face: “A philosophy student in Albany, N.Y., wants to undergo plastic surgery so he can look more like a reptile. Wouldn’t it be easier just to go to law school?” (Rudolph J. Cecera)

*

The Essential

David Letterman

Other Things to Worry

About Now That Y2K Is Over

10. Strong possibility that wrestling might be fake.

9. “Peanuts” is gone, but “Wizard of Id” endures.

7. Johnson’s Baby Shampoo went from “No More Tears” formula to “Tons O’ Tears” formula.

5. ABC will have Peter Jennings on 24 hours a day, every day.

4. Jimmy Stewart was accidentally buried alive, now he’s out and he blames you.

3. Just look in their eyes--them pigeons is planning something.

2. Your daughter introduces new boyfriend: “Dad--Puffy; Puffy--Dad.”

1. The inevitable heat death of the universe.

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.