Keeping to Herself: “How many of you...

Keeping to Herself: “How many of you folks saw Monica Lewinsky on ‘Larry King Live’? Monica told Larry that she hates having lost her privacy. . . . She also told that to Barbara Walters, she told that to USA Today, ‘Entertainment Tonight,’ AP, Reuters.” (David Letterman)

On the Dole: “Elizabeth Dole has officially endorsed George W. Bush for the Republican presidential nomination. . . . Bush said he was especially pleased by Dole’s endorsement because it showed that the pineapple industry is solidly behind him.” (Craig Kilborn)

Safety Zone: “Here’s an only-in-California story: Plans are being discussed in West Hollywood. They want to make it mandatory for singles bars and coffee shops to give out free condoms. You know Starbucks will be all over this: ‘I’ll have a Grande Trojan with a biscotti on the side.’ ” (Jay Leno)

Wake-Up Call: “After 16 years, a woman in Albuquerque miraculously snapped out of a catatonic state on Christmas Eve. Who knows, maybe the same miracle’s in store for Al Gore.” (Daily Scoop)

Border Line: “The U.S. Border Patrol fell 613 officers short of its goal to hire 1,000 new officers in 1999. Officials blame the tight labor market. That, and the fact they’re not allowed to hire illegal immigrants.” (Argus Hamilton)

Sweatin’ It Out: “Nordstrom stores are recalling about 5,300 sweatshirts they recently sold. These defective sweatshirts do something Nordstrom shoppers find absolutely unacceptable: They make the wearer sweat.” (Jerry Perisho)

*

Send us a line: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.