Before the Carnage Begins, Here Are the Key Rules

BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER, someone needs to explain the ground rules.

I’m standing in the Dodger clubhouse on my first day on this new job obeying the sign that has three red arrows pointing to it: “PLAYERS ONLY BEYOND THIS POINT.”

Now if I can’t go there, why can F.P. Santangelo?

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GOOD MORNING, L.A., this is the way it’s going to be.

To save time, and the anticipated run on finger-paints required by Raider fans to write the editor, the following form letter can be tailored for individual use. Most Raider fans, I’m sure, have a friend or relative who can read it to them.

Dear Editor,

It’s about time you took the moron/(bleeping) jerk/know-nothing off the football beat. It only took about 1,000 letters to the editor.

A monkey/donkey/radio talk-show host could have picked more football winners with its eyes closed than this numbskull/obnoxious twit/(bleeping) idiot. You mentioned Xs and O’s to this guy and he wanted to play tic-tac-toe.

But now am I to understand that you have given this football (bleeping) goof/Jim Murray wannabe and never will be/joke the freedom to write about anything he wants?

Shucks/(bleep), have you no mercy?

Come on, I’ve got a better average than F.P. Santangelo--if I only hit on two out of every 10 columns.

It could have been worse. If newspaper management had found a cost-effective way to package No Doz with each paper, Mark Ridley-Thomas would have been offered the Page Two column.

Readers would have loved it, but if the betrothed wouldn’t let Kobe Bryant play in the Olympics in his spare time, you think she is going to give him permission to go out four nights a week and write a column?

Dick Riordan will need a job soon, but you’ve heard him talk about football, so what makes you think writing it down would make any more sense?

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BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER, someone needs to explain some ground rules.

Why is everyone in a lather because Jerry West is quitting/staying/quitting as long as he can stay as a consultant making the same salary?

Who wants a wishy-washy guy who doesn’t have the stomach to watch his own team play the biggest game of the year?

Good Morning, L.A. Instead of writing letters to the editor, I’d suggest a push to hire Ryan Leaf to deliver the newspaper, making it a good bet your new Page Two column will be intercepted before you ever get it.

Too late now, of course, for F.P. Santangelo, but maybe just in time to save the reputation of Jeff Shaw--the first time in a lifetime, by the way, that “Jeff Shaw” and “save” have been used in the same sentence.

Mind you, not everyone is upset with this change. Folks in the NFL are thrilled. The Raiders are counting it as a victory--the only time all year they will be above .500.

Here’s the deal. Randy Harvey is history. He’s become some kind of big-shot editor, cutting his workload in half. He’ll still cover the Olympics, and because he will have so much spare time, he will write a weekly column.

As an upside, ah, aside, this might cut into the writing space for Sports Editor Bill Dwyre. I will let you make your own comment here.

I got this job, of course, because my daughter went to Notre Dame and Dwyre went to Notre Dame, and he never gives USC a break, but you already know that. Some think Dwyre’s doing me a favor, but it’s punishing duty, going to Dodger losses, Clipper losses, and events in Orange County. Someone suggested going to a Sparks game too, but I don’t like being all alone in big gyms.

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BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER, these are the ground rules. You will get lots of notes each day, a daily update on F.P. Santangelo, and a chance in The Last Word for anyone who disagrees with the expert to say so, and then look silly.

We begin with first impressions:

* The Bears’ guy who starts Cade McNown at quarterback should be accused of point-shaving, not the P.R. guy who bets on the team.

* The Dodgers’ catch slogan is “Being here is everything,” so when does the team with the second-highest payroll in the league show up?

* Kevin Brown makes $15 million a year and works every five days. Yet he walks around all snarly and grumpy like someone who has been told he will have to wait 10 more minutes for a limo.

* I know this, Dennis Miller is funnier than Paul Tagliabue, and Tagliabue cracks me up. Miller also uses words like “narcissistic” which will have the yokels in Kansas City shaking their heads: “Can’t believe they let ‘em swear right on the air.”

* Remember, when the applause stops and it is all said and done, Marion Jones probably will be just another player in the WNBA.

* You won’t see me drawing any line in the sand when Carl Everett comes to town.

* Who’s having the better year, Gary Sheffield or Darin Erstad? Sheffield might save Davey Johnson’s job. OK, so the nod goes to Erstad.

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TODAY’S LAST WORD comes from Z. Henkle in Orange in an e-mail:

“Fred Roggin just reported that T.J. is going to take over for Harvey on Page Two. Please tell me this is just a hoax. Please tell me that somebody, anybody with an ounce of journalistic competence is going to take over for the excellent Mr. Harvey. Please.”

You watch Roggin, and someone is supposed to take you seriously?

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T.J. Simers can be reached at his e-mail address: t.j.simers@latimes.com.