Forget Imports; We Have Enough Ugly Americans

Dear Fashion Police: I just returned from Europe and noticed some fashion trends that would make you issue a citation or two. They include the following items: Women smartly dressed in black outfits wearing clunky white shoes (OK, it’s after Memorial Day, but what happened to the rule that shoes should not be a lighter color than the outfit?). Women dressed in slacks and blouses wearing a skirt or pareo over their slacks. (The pareo really accentuates a large derriere when worn this way!) Women sporting bright red hair that makes them look like everyone’s favorite cartoon woodpecker. In the past I’ve noticed that fashion trends develop in Europe before arriving in the U.S. If so, can you close our borders and refuse to allow them entry? Please establish a blockade.

--BORN IN THE USA

Dear Born: Although we’ve done our share of ragging on American travelers for the sloppy and funky ways we dress, we never said that this country had the exclusive rights to looking weird. It’s a great big planet, and people in every country make some odd clothing choices.

Evidently Europe is no exception. However, there are a couple of points we’d like to make: What is this “rule” about shoes not being lighter than the outfit? Picture this: black capris, a black top, a pink headband and pink shoes. What’s wrong with that?

Also, it used to be that trends developed in Europe and then made their way across the ocean, where we style-starved Americans eagerly awaited their arrival. But now that we live in a beautiful global culture, where influential media such as movies, television, magazines and the Internet are crisscrossing every which way, Europe no longer has a monopoly on trendsetting.

So closing our borders to the occasional fashion miscreant would not only be unneighborly, it would also do nothing to stem the tide. The floodgates opened a long time ago.

*

Dear Fashion Police: I am going to be the mother of the groom at my son’s wedding. It will take place in Florida in a church in late August at 11 a.m. The bridesmaids’ dresses will be emerald green and tea-length. The mother of the bride will wear a teal dress. The men in the wedding party, plus the father of the bride and groom, will wear tuxedos.

I have chosen a dusty lavender velvet dress with cap sleeves that is slit at the leg. I plan to wear a small--but not gaudy--rhinestone necklace and black ankle-strap shoes with a black purse. Since velvet has moved to daytime wear and the dress does not look too heavy, I hope you approve. Also, your input on the accessories would be appreciated.

--STYLE-CONSCIOUS

MOM OF GROOM

Dear Style: We’ll get to your dress in a minute, but we have to discuss something else first. We hate to sound like the proverbial broken record, but obviously not all of you have been paying attention when we’ve discussed proper attire for weddings. So listen up.

Repeat after us: Tuxedos should not be worn before 6 p.m. Say it again. One more time. With the mountains of books, magazines and Web sites devoted to weddings, does anyone check to see what’s appropriate? Because it ain’t a tuxedo before noon.

We realize there are lots of wedding etiquette advisors who insist that whatever the bride and groom want to do is just ducky, since it’s their wedding. Sorry. Having dear old Aunt Minnie read one of her poems at the service is OK. Making the wedding party wear tuxedos before most people have finished their first cup of coffee is not OK.

However, we realize that you’re not going to rush over to your son and future daughter-in-law and breathlessly tell them that the Fashion Police says they are creating a serious fashion no-no (much as we love fantasizing about that scenario). This is for the rest of you contemplating your nuptial wardrobes.

And now let’s get to you.

Velvet wouldn’t be our first choice for a late summer morning wedding, but if you insist the dress doesn’t look like it was made from your living room curtains, we’ll believe you. However, the rest of the ensemble needs some tweaking.

Dump the rhinestone necklace and wear a small gold chain or pearls instead. Even a little bit of flash is too much at that hour. And nix the black shoes and bag (too evening looking) and go with something lighter. If you don’t want to do the dyed-to-match thing, try cream or some shade of off-white that will complement the dress.

Now go and have a wonderful time, and throw some rice for us.

*

Write to Fashion Police, Los Angeles Times, 202 W. 1st St., Los Angeles, CA 90012, fax to (213) 237-4888, or send e-mail to socalliving@latimes.com.