Gentlemen, Start Your Cameras

Concept: David Hasselhoff hosts the “Baywatch” 10th anniversary cast reunion party at Santa Monica’s Fairmont Miramar hotel.

The Rapture: “We’ve been called ‘Baywatch,’ ‘Babewatch,’ ‘Bunwatch,’ ‘Son of a Beach,’ ‘Gaywatch’ and ‘T & A’. But 200 episodes later, we’re still here today.” Hasselhoff, the Big Kahuna of all things “Baywatch,” is reciting a quickly penned verse in honor of the occasion. In this luau-esque idyll with Jet Skis, surfboards and cardiac-inducing cleavage, the sprawling crowd joins Hasselhoff in reflecting on the grand tradition that is “Baywatch” and the new “Baywatch Hawaii.” One of the producers thanks the Aloha State for its bargain basement location fees. What’s next, “Baywatch Canada”? For the ceremony’s finale, all past and present cast members gather onstage for a killer photo op and a blessing by Father Dave Heney of St. John’s Seminary in Camarillo. “The work that you have all performed has brought a tremendous amount of joy to people throughout the world,” he intones. “It has celebrated life, beauty, health and especially saving lives. That’s the most beautiful work that anyone can do. God bless you all.” Amen.

*

Let’s Keep in Touch: “Oh, for Pete’s sake, I’m looking at [former co-star] Jaason Simmons.” The voice sounds like Jane Curtin’s Mrs. Loopner, but the body belongs to Gena Lee Nolin. “I don’t recognize him, but I want to eat him up.” Others opt for the equally tasty Dungeness crab, coconut shrimp and Jell-O shots. Alumni use the opportunity to share “Baywatch” wisdom. “When you’re rescuing, keep your eye on the victim. Do not stick your head in the water,” warns veteran Alexandra Paul. “It’s a very common ‘Baywatch’ mistake.” Sitting imperiously at a table and flanked by blonds, Hugh Hefner celebrates the show that’s supplied Playboy with month after month of pictorial fodder. Or perhaps he’s scouting--in which case, he’s not alone. “I came to meet beautiful women,” admits “Baywatch Hawaii” rookie Jason Momoa. “Ten years of beautiful women.” While most of the prowling gents engage in innocent Instamatic fun, one Hollywood sleazebag sidles up to a pair of former guest stars with a leering, “Guess what, girls? This is your lucky day.” The girls are like, totally, ick.

WHAT’S THE SCORE?

CELEB QUOTIENT: “Most Likely to Succeed” Pamela, Yasmine and Carmen are no shows. We hear the rest of the cast is big in Japan.

WOW FACTOR: Those are some nice, uh, motifs you’ve got there.

CHOW LINE: Hasselhoff says to party all night, but the buffet peters out at 10 p.m.