Author Stresses Importance of Family Homes as Havens

In the late 1800s, Victorian homes were often seen as sanctuaries from the advances of the Industrial Age. Life was getting too complicated and it was reassuring to shut out everything behind heavy doors.

Any different today?

Not really, says Jim Tolpin, author of “The New Family Home” ($35, Taunton Books, 2000). Tolpin stresses that mom, dad and the kids crave havens where they can turn away from the demanding real world and nest together.

“It’s a lot like it was then, when Victorian homes were fortresses [and people] could come home and have a refuge from the world growing modern up around them,” Tolpin said in a telephone interview from the home he shares with his wife and son in Port Townsend, Wash.

“For a long time in the 20th century, the home hasn’t always been central to people’s lives, but now I’m finding that has changed. It’s gone full circle [and] people, who feel so scattered in this 21st century lifestyle, want to be more settled. The home is where that happens.”

Tolpin’s conclusions came after interviewing families, architects and contractors around the country and learning how they created family-friendly environments. His book (written with the help of Mary Lathrop) features dozens of mostly upscale homes and the specific steps that were taken to reach goals of intimacy and comfort.

“I discovered that there was quite a bit of imagination [and] attention to detail,” Tolpin noted. “Making a home better [for families] takes some work but it’s worth it.”

So, think your house is already family-ready? Tolpin suggests you look again. And start with the kitchen.

“It’s where a lot of Americans want to spend much of their time,” he said. “Kids coming back from school, they want to hang out there with parents and their friends. They do their homework near there. Families talk to each other in the kitchen and near the kitchen all the time.”

Tolpin suggested having a sitting area, possibly the dining room, with a clear view of the kitchen. Make it where youngsters can gather, knowing parents are nearby. It could also be the designated area to discuss family matters.

Ensuring parents can maintain eye contract while they’re busy in the kitchen should generate a feeling of togetherness and leave the youngest children more secure, Tolpin said.

Also consider turning one of your rooms exclusively into a family retreat where everyone can play board or video games, listen to music or watch TV, at least some of the time as a group.

“I think this is a neat idea,” he said. “And no phones--you want to avoid outside interruptions. It could be for games or maybe a sewing center. The main thing is, look at it as one of the best places for quality family time.”

Tolpin added that if you’re lucky enough to have a room outside the main house, set that up as the family center. It’s “relative isolation” from the primary home will make it special for get-togethers.

When it comes to the children’s rooms, the author recommends an environment that taps into their sense of adventure. That means creating safe and simple boxy areas, porches and crawl spaces that provide “hiding places and nooks and crannies for play. . . You can make it a magical space with a little thought.”

Also, don’t feel bad when doubling up kids in a room. “Children love lofts and bunk beds, all space-savers,” Tolpin said. “And kids learn how to get along with others and share by living together. They also learn tolerance.”

If your bathroom tends to get crowded, consider installing a small sink and vanity in the girl’s bedroom. “Daughters think it’s wonderful because they can have a little privacy. It also frees up bathroom time,” he explained. “The plumbing may be a bit costly [but] it’ll end up being cheaper than putting in a new bathroom for an expanding family.”

Lucky enough to have a guest suite or spare bedroom? Tolpin said to approach it as “an evolving room.” For now, it could be the media room where the computer is and everyone knows they can Web surf, alone or with company. Later on, the room can become a mother-in-law apartment when older relatives come to stay.

“That’s how the best family homes are,” Tolpin concluded. “They have to change and evolve to meet the family’s needs as they come.”