The Case of the Boisterous Bather

In a recent edition of the L.A. Sheriff’s Department publication Star News, Don Moreau of Long Beach came upon a report of this unusual crime:

“Customer took off fake leg and struck bartender.” (Giving the bartender a piece of his mind wasn’t enough?)

Then there was this complaint from elsewhere of a less violent nature: “Neighbor is bathing children too loud. Occurs daily.”

And, finally, this bulletin from a workplace:

“Employee heard buzzing noise. . . . Now office is filled with smoke.”

Wonder if the buzzing noise had anything to do with the fact that it was a dental clinic?

*

THEY DO COME IN ALL SIZES: Barbara Joan Grubman of Woodland Hills noticed a test that seemed to discriminate against medium-sized drivers, and Dan Fink found a spot for compact doctors (see photos).

*

CASTING A MISSPELL: Cliff Rucker of Blue Jay, meanwhile, came across a dumbed-down trash receptacle (see photo).

*

DOES FOX TV KNOW ABOUT THIS? Looking for something new and exciting after the demise of “Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire?” Well, Steven Dworman, publisher of the Infomercial Marketing Report, might have the answer. At the just-concluded American Film Market in Santa Monica, Dworman was telling people that he has nearly completed a film venture, “Divorce--The Musical.”

I couldn’t reach him to find out if Zsa-Zsa Gabor was making a comeback.

*

WHEN ANTELOPE VALLEY WAS JUST THAT: A reader’s observation that Antelope Valley would be more appropriately called Rattlesnake Gulch drew the ire of others, who contend that the area once lived up to its name.

While stationed at Edwards Air Force Base in the early 1950s, Thomas Butts recalls, he heard stories of the time when “there were antelopes in such numbers that folks from L.A. came out in their buggies and wagons to get fresh meat.

“Then, the railroad came through, its tracks neatly bisecting the valley into ‘east’ and ‘west.’ The antelopes, timid creatures, refused to cross the strange and threatening roadbed. Since they couldn’t go from the dry east to the greener west, normal mortality went up.”

Referring to other vanished Southland attractions, Butts asked: “Anybody have an explanation for why the [Buena Park] alligator farm and [South Pasadena] ostrich farm went away?” Big game hunters?

*

TEN YEARS AGO: With the Southland in the grip of a serious drought, the Metropolitan Water District solicited customers for suggestions on saving water.

One woman said she washed her personal things by hand, then used the same water to wash the floor. Another proposed that swimming pool owners be required to post signs that said, “Do not splash.”

And then there was the standard line: “Save water. Shower with a friend.” One customer amended that to say he even showered with his dog.

*

MOVING ALONG TO THE MUSHROOM DROUGHT: A sign in a downtown L.A. cafeteria (the Times cafeteria, if you must know) said:

MUSHROOM BARELY SOUP.

miscelLAny:

Sighted at a dry cleaners on 3rd Street: a sign saying, “Germ-Free Dry-Cleaning.”

As opposed to bacteriologically contaminated dry-cleaning?

*

Steve Harvey can be reached at (800) LATIMES Ext. 77083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, Times Mirror Square, L.A. 90053 and by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com.