LAUGH LINES

Keeps Going and Going: The Academy Awards show ran “four hours long [and] has the nerve to hand out awards for editing. . . . It’s too bad the show wasn’t as tight as Faye Dunaway’s face.” (David Letterman)

Just for Effect: “ ‘The Matrix’ took home best sound, best sound effects, [best visual effects] and best film editing, giving it a sweep of all the categories that don’t include the word ‘acting.’ ” (Craig Kilborn)

Cheap High: “The price of illegal drugs is at an all-time low in this country. Crack and heroin are the cheapest they’ve ever been, which is very frustrating if you’re a junkie. . . . The drugs are cheap, but gas is so expensive, you can’t drive downtown to get ‘em.” (Jay Leno)

Homemade Remedy: “The journal Lancet reported medical research saying passionate sex can help cure the symptoms of chronic asthma. Well, what do you know? Looking back, we might have had the wrong Clinton in charge of health care.” (Argus Hamilton)

What’s Ailing Ya?: “Health officials in Los Angeles have noticed a major outbreak of syphilis in the past weeks. See, New York may be the city that never sleeps. But L.A. is the city that never sleeps alone.” (Leno)

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.