His Alibi Didn’t Hold Much Weight

Deputy Dist. Atty. Mark Vezzani finds some colorful--if failed-- alibis in his case files. Take the guy who was stopped in L.A. with the ID card of someone who didn’t match his description. He breezily explained that he’d lost a lot of weight. And very recently. Which would explain why he weighed 180 while the ID said he was a 326-pounder.

And then there was the fellow who was observed breaking the window of a thrift shop, reaching in and taking property. When police confronted him, the suspect said he was a Good Samaritan who had walked by, noticed the broken window and the goods on the sidewalk, and was actually putting the stuff back.

You can almost hear Regis Philbin asking, “Is that your final answer?”

*

A WARNING? While in Las Vegas, Lynn Park of La Canada saw a “Scary Rides” sign atop a taxi--a scary sign until you realized it was referring to a Vegas attraction (see photo).

*

THEY’D BETTER BE STIFF SHOTS: In a weekly advertiser, Annella Dosdall of Rancho Palos Verdes came upon an offer that would make you a bit lightheaded just seeing the price (see accompanying).

*

TALKING ROT: Before driving into Mexico, Niel Lynch of Escondido obtained a car permit that had “one of the most remarkably unclear translations I have ever seen. I can only guess that it was done by a computer without passing through the mind of the operator” (see accompanying).

*

HIS TWO CENTS’ WORTH: The item here about actor Darrell Kunitomi’s receiving a residual check for 61 cents brought another tale of low finance from Gene deRuelle, a retired assistant director/unit manager.

“About three months ago I got a thick envelope from the Directors Guild,” deRuelle said. “When I opened it I laughed for some time. In the envelope were eight residuals for runs of a horrible picture called ‘Friday Foster.’ (Don’t ask. It was work.) Anyway, all the residual checks were for a gross of 72 cents before taxes.”

DeRuelle recalled the good old days in one Studio City bar where, “if you came in with a residual check under a dollar they posted it on the back bar and gave you a free drink.”

The name of the bar: Residuals.

*

POOR PHONE-SIDE MANNER: Feeling shoulder pain that radiated down his arm, Patrick McDonald of L.A. phoned a doctor and was told, “Well, you know these are some of the symptoms of a heart attack, so we should get you to the emergency room. Hold on and I’ll arrange it.”

It turns out an examination showed that McDonald had only a pinched nerve, which was a relief. Especially after the music he heard that day as he waited for the doctor to come back to the phone: “The Funeral March.”

miscelLAny:

In a USA Today crossword puzzle, Elliot Zwiebach of L.A. was puzzled to see the clue “West Coast Gridder” for a three-letter word. The answer that the newspaper gave was “Ram.” If only it were true, Anaheim and L.A. football fans would agree.

*

Steve Harvey can be reached at (800) LATIMES, Ext. 77083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, Times Mirror Square, L.A. 90053 and by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com.