LAUGH LINES

Home Alone: “Hillary Rodham Clinton won her bid for the Senate seat in New York. And while she was delivering her acceptance speech, President Clinton, who was at her side, shed a tear. He got emotional thinking about January--when he leaves his job and Hillary starts hers, leaving him all alone at their home in upstate New York. And he can’t wait!” (Ira Lawson)

Keeping Count: “It’s the 137th anniversary of Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address. . . . That was six scores and 17 years ago--a simpler time when presidents counted years by the score--instead of vote recounts.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Straight to Jail: “Yankee slugger Daryl Strawberry was sentenced to 30 days in jail (including the 15 days he’s already served). . . . You really want to punish him? Sentence him to play for the Dodgers again.” (Daily Scoop)

Getting Out of Hand: “Remember the 50-year-old guy who got the world’s first hand transplant? . . . Now he wants the doctors to amputate it because he says that the hand has rejected him. He says it is not his hand and he has no control over what it does. In fact, he said he went to vote for Al Gore, and the hand went for Pat Buchanan!” (Jay Leno)

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