They Must Make Sure It’s Music to Rodriguez’s Ears

The Dodgers must pursue free agent Alex Rodriguez with due diligence, no matter the consequences or costs, and we have just the man to negotiate the terms.

Randy Newman penned the definitive song about L.A.--no one knows better our kooks and crannies--so we have strongly urged him to join forces with Fox executives in a sit-down with Rodriguez and his agent, Scott Boras, to hash out the details.

Proposal meeting:

Newman and Dodgers: “Century Boulevard.”

Boras and Rodriguez: “We love it!”

Newman-Dodgers: “You’ve got it!”

Newman-Dodgers: “Victory Boulevard.”

Boras-Rodriguez: “We love it!”

Newman-Dodgers: “You own it!”

Newman-Dodgers: “Santa Monica Boulevard.”

Boras-Rodriguez: “We love it!”

Newman-Dodgers: “You’ve earned it!”

Newman-Dodgers: “Sixth Street.”

Boras-Rodriguez: “We love it, we love it!”

Newman-Dodgers: “You take it, you take it!”

Newman: “Looks like another perfect day.”

Rodriguez: “I love L.A.”

Many teeth have been gnashed over whether the Dodgers should make a pitch for Rodriguez, the Seattle Mariners’ 25-year-old shortstop and the most sought-after big-money free agent to reach the open market since Ivana Trump.

Yes, the asking price is exorbitant--probably $20 million per year for 12 years--and the alleged ancillary demands outrageous.

In taking his New York Mets out of the Rodriguez race last week, General Manager Steve Phillips revealed that beyond talk of base salary, Rodriguez wanted access to a private jet, office space at the ballpark, A-Rod’s own marketing staff and billboard space exceeding that of New York Yankee star Derek Jeter. Boras has denied scribbling such a ransom note.

The Mets may have been able to reject any such offer--they’re fresh off a World Series appearance--but our folly Dodgers have no choice but to cede to Rodriguez’s every demand.

As a town, we are at low sporting ebb: We have no NFL teams, our college teams are playing patsies to powers in the Pacific Northwest and our Clippers’ owner still refuses to move to Orange County.

We must understand that times have changed since Marvin Miller led baseball’s Emancipation Proclamation. This is not 1966, when Walter O’Malley made Dodger pitchers Sandy Koufax and Don Drysdale sweat when they held out in tandem for $1.05 million over three years, to be split down the middle. The future hall of famers were lucky to settle for six figures.

Who can blame baseball players and their monochromatic agents for demanding the moon: We can have a deal today if you throw in two lunar rovers.

Rich men showering players with perks is nothing new.

St. Louis Cardinal owner Gussie Busch once tried to lure Pete Rose to his team by offering him a beer distributorship.

In 1973, the year Nolan Ryan won 21 games, pitched 26 complete games, tossed two no-hitters, broke Koufax’s single-season strikeout record and lost the Cy Young award to Jim Palmer, even the cheapskate California Angels bought Ryan a new pickup truck.

We need to be realistic and proactive about Rodriguez’s needs in today’s market place.

What can L.A. offer besides money?

1: Hearst’s Castle.

Rodriguez will need a getaway weekend bungalow, no? This San Simeon abode, unoccupied for years, is loaded with amenities.

Newspaper mogul William Randolph Hearst, who died in 1951, knew his mansion would be too expensive for any individual to maintain--little did he know what shortstops would be demanding half a century later--and hoped the University of California would accept the castle as a gift. When it declined, the property was deeded to the State of California and has been a tourist attraction since 1958.

If Hearst’s Castle isn’t big enough, might we suggest Aaron Spelling’s place?

2: Long Beach Airport.

Forget jets. Every two-bit utility infielder with a good agent has a jet. But how many guys have their own (launching) pad and adjoining coffee shop? Besides, with all the noise-abatement laws passed in the last decade, you can catch a cold easier than a direct flight out of Long Beach.

3: The Forum.

Rodriguez wants office space. OK, how about calling in the cleaning crew to spruce up this former home of the Lakers, Kings, Forum Boxing and Led Zeppelin? Rodriguez and his staff can set up shop in what used to be “Chick’s Nest.”

4: A-Rod Freeway.

Rodriguez will need a direct route from his home to Dodger Stadium. We figure if the city can waste billions of dollars on an ill-advised underground metro line, it’s not too much to ask that we construct for A-Rod his own “Diamond Lane.”

5: Irwindale.

This town without quarry-pit pity might pay Rodriguez $10 million for the naming rights. That’s how much Irwindale forked over to Raider owner Al-Rod Davis in 1987 just to take a look-see as a possible relocation site. Davis cashed the check and said nada.

6: Los Angeles Vikings’ season tickets.

It never hurts to look ahead; Boras might appreciate the ingenuity here.

7: A television show:

Fox could revive “Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire,” starring Rodriguez as an eligible bachelor who gets engaged every week before signing a showstopping prenuptial agreement.

8: The Pantry:

Every sporting star needs his own restaurant.

Mayor Riordan, can you help us out here?